Expectations

I'll start by being honest. It is not always easy to write and post what I am thinking. I bring to bare my heart, my pain and my past. At times I even risk the lives of others when I post on here. I decided awhile ago that I would write about my life and what God is doing in the midst of it so that others might be able to learn from my mistakes and how God has been gracious to me. I personally don't have much wisdom, if any at all - yet I know that God is greater than my failures and is able to use even my pride to teach others and help them grow. I write to encourage others that they are not alone, that God is still active, and that the Bible contains the words that lead to life - God's words.

With all that said, I have another part of my story that I have to write about. I have debated a while about whether I should even write this one. The idea stuck long enough that I decided to write about it and get it out of my system. I see now all the areas that this particular topic touches, and how important it is for me to flesh it out. It is something that consumes my life and drives my choices and major decisions. It sets the standards that live up to and empowers my motivations - it is expectations.

Growing up as most of those who read my blog know, wasn't exactly normal as most would consider it. Yes, I have parents and other siblings and lived in a house and ate normal food (if not better than normal food - cooked by my dad). I grew up like most kids do or so I thought. The contrasting point that I want to bring to your attention again is this idea of expectations. That is one thing that I had growing up that I... struggle with...? I am not sure exactly how to say it. Part of my is very grateful for the expectations that were set for me growing up, and the other part hates it every day that I am awake.

I don't remember the day it happened, but I remember the idea as plain as yesterday (for those that know me, that isn't a good judge of how good I remember something.). My siblings and I wanted to go play outside one day, and as we started to head outside my mom said that we had to stay close to the house. Other times we went out she would say, "don't draw attention to yourselves" or something to that effect. The idea is that we weren't supposed to be noticed because most children would be in school at that time of day, and we/she didn't want to have to explain why we weren't in school ("Home schooled" for those who want to know now, but more on that another day).

So, I became afraid. I had this fear grow inside of me about what would happen if attention was drawn to myself and if people did ask about my life. I was scared of what would happen if I broke this expectation to stay out of the way - to blend into the world around me and not be seen. It would cause an anxiousness to think about being "found out"

This didn't improve when I went to college for the first time. Duel-enrolled in college at an early age created a lot of questions that I didn't want to deal with. So instead I just blended into whatever environment I found myself in. If college I would act like a college kid, if at home I would act like my family. I would meet the expectations that were set for me in whatever environment I found myself. I got really good at putting on a mask and becoming someone other than myself.

The problem with putting on a mask is that after a while I would forget who I was. I would constantly be living up to other peoples expectations of me rather than living a life that I had waiting for me. I would put on a mask rather than be real. I would soon perceive myself through other peoples eyes, and chain myself to the realities that they saw in me. My success and acceptance would be based on their perception of me; I would rise or fall at their word. I hear this is what high school can be like at times.

I could claim servant, because I would be exactly what everyone needed me to be. I would mold myself into... whatever they needed because I perceived their expectation. I could claim that, but I would rather say slave. Slave to how others perceive me and to the expectations that they had... or I thought they had for me. It got so bad that I would imagine what others might be thinking of me and create false expectations for myself based on what I think someone thought about me. And this is how I lived my life and perceived the world around me - enslaved to false realities and false expectations.

Most recently I have seen it play out in the internship that I am currently serving at. I came understanding one set of expectations, but those did not last. I came in thinking that I would be working hard and would be challenged to grow in my skills as a youth pastor, but that is not what I saw. I think I had higher expectations for the internship then they did. Don't get me wrong, I have been challenge in ways I did not even imagine and have grown in areas of my life that I did not even know I had. I, however, cannot overlook the reality that I think I expected more from the internship at first then they did (or at least that is how I perceive it). There are many other factors that contribute to my perspective though, so I could be wrong about what expectations that had/have for me.

I wrote about this one early on in a post titled Learning to teach, but the expectation contributed even to how I communicated. I would watch how other taught at the church or ask lots of questions to see what others have done, so that I could create expectations to meet. As I said, expectations enslave me. When it came to teaching, I spent more time trying to understand people's expectations (whether they were real or not) than I spent getting ready to teach. I have to say, it got to be very frustrating and tiring.

It got so tiring that I decide to stop. I didn't try and meet another persons expectation or standard. I believe that God created me unique with my own abilities that are different than anyone else. So I did. I just did my own thing and nothing really happened. People didn't get mad at me for failing to be like them. I didn't suffer punishment for trying to be myself. I actually did much better and enjoyed myself while doing it.

It was then I realized God did not want me to strive to meet other's expectations. He wants me to be free and to have a full life. He doesn't desire for me to live in bondage to the expectations of the world around me, but wants to free me to live a life full of joy. And I'll admit, I kind of want that too. Freedom, Joy and a Full Life sound much better than living for other peoples expectations and being enslaved to what people think of me and who I am.

  " The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." ~Jesus to anyone who is interested (John 10:10).

 The reality that I am coming to realize is that God created me unique and different than everyone else. I have abilities and gifts that other people don't have. God created me to be me, not someone else. If I spend my days living in the expectation that I need to be someone else, than I am saying to God that He didn't make me right. On a more selfish note, I am throwing away that joy that I could have by living as God intended for me to live.

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later