A friendly reminder.

I was talking with someone I met four to five years ago at an open-house when we were sitting in someone's living room in China. Every time I think the world is a big place, it suddenly gets very small. He mentioned this blog and told me it was gone, I said I just changed the name. So, I wanted to check. After nearly 3 years I am back and I thought I would write a little something.

I am back in China, if you didn't gather that already. I now have two kids, a daughter and son. I love them more than I have loved anything before. I am married to my wonderful wife and best friend. I am determined to seek the truth, learn it and live it. I believe that truth was personified in the person of Jesus Christ while he walked on earth. I am disenchanted with the normal idea of "church", but love what Jesus had set in place. People gathering together on a mission to share his story, to love one another and to love His Father who sent him. I won't pretend to be perfect, nor to I consider myself learned or even smart most of the time. But I will say again, I am determined. I want to know and follow truth, and I welcome you to join along. 

Life is pretty great right now, and pretty terrible. Let me explain. First the good. Rachel and I are finding more of our purpose and uniqueness in how God has modeled us. We have been in search and question of how we are supposed to live or what can we do, and we are finally coming to conclusions. We have long time realized that it doesn't matter where we live, the same problems and questions continue to come up. How can we work together to do His work? How can I do more than just work? How can Rachel take her love for words and books and use them for His kingdom? Along with more trivial questions as well, like what does a day off look like and how do we budget our savings. But what we found recently is that after you figure the bigs one out, the little ones tend to fall into place.

Now for the bad. Man, sin, lust, pride, death and everything else in the package. Rachel's family is hurting right now. She lost an aunt a few months ago, and just lost a grandmother a few days ago. Add to that the regular problems of her family's dynamics. I don't have time to go into detail, but it is pretty messy right now. Rachel just boarded a flight to PHL this morning and will spend some time mourning for her grandmother and spend the rest dealing with sin that has crept into her family. I hate that she has to deal with both, but they often go together; sin and death.

As her husband and the guy still in China while she flies around the world, I am not sure what my role should be. They aren't my family, it wasn't my grandmother who died. But then the thought of Ruth came to mind. Here is Ruth, a woman who has been dealt an odd hand in life and plays in well. She is faithful and true, what more could God ask of her. When trial comes on her mother in-law, she is faithful and loving. 

Then she fell on her face, bowing to the ground, and said to him, “Why have I found favor in your eyes, that you should take notice of me, since I am a foreigner?” But Boaz answered her, “All that you have done for your mother-in-law since the death of your husband has been fully told to me, and how you left your father and mother and your native land and came to a people that you did not know before. The Lord repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!” Then she said, “I have found favor in your eyes, my lord, for you have comforted me and spoken kindly to your servant, though I am not one of your servants.” -Ruth 2:10-13

I know it isn't a complete parallel, but there is still a lesson to be learned here. This is loving one another, this is faithfulness is tough situations. This is self-sacrifice played out. Rachel's family isn't my family, but they have become so. Rachel's struggles have become mine, we are one family now. I love her and her family. It hurts to see her hurt right now. And as much as we don't have money to make last minute flights around the world, I sent her like I would want her to send me. I am just so thankful that God has provided as much as He has.

Take care, seek truth and live life.

Jeremy

Trusting and Following

A few days ago someone put me on the spot and asked me what my "Vision" for China is. They asked questions such as "What do you want to accomplish over there?", "Why China?" and others like it.

At a "end of school year" party. I had about 30 seconds to go from ultimate Frisbee to telling people about China.

What do I want to see accomplished in China? Whatever God desires for us to do. The last thing I want to do is accomplish something outside of God's will and plan. With that in mind, our vision for China is God's vision for China.

Why China? For Rachel and I, our going to China came primarily out of two things (in no particular order):

1. Following God where His Spirit is leading
2. Trusting God in faith to provide in His way

Just so we are all on the same page I'll give a little history up to recently.

During the previous year I have been involved in an internship program out in Cleveland Ohio. The program is designed to give practical, hands on experience to those who desire to learn more about full-time ministry. For everyone who came through their doors, it has provided a platform to move into a full-time ministry position based on the experience they have received. This trend changed when I came into the office.

As I finished up my second half of the internship, I began looking and apply for jobs. What seemed like hundreds of jobs (though I am sure that slightly exaggerated). Nothing came up. At least nothing Rachel and I could live off. The best were part-time pay with full-time work. Not something I really wanted to start out on with Rachel. I send out a networking letter to my friends to let me know if they found anything, but even this provided nothing. So, the search continued as the internship came closer and closer to an end.

I trusted God had a special job in plan for us, one that would fit our personalities and desires exactly, in only a way God could. Both of us had great desire to do ministry, but not be the up-front people that get all the attention. Neither of us had any ties besides family, so we could go anywhere God lead us. The possibilities were endless.

During this time I found myself reading in the about King Saul in the Old Testament. At this point in Biblical History he is doing pretty good for himself. Just got anointed first king over Israel, concurring the nations and has God's blessings in his life. Can't get much better than that, but it can get much much worse. It does.

Saul is about to go into war against one of the opposing nations and is waiting for the prophet, Samuel, to make the sacrifice to obtain God's blessing before the fight. Samuel says he will be there on the seventh day to make the sacrifice and that Saul should wait for him. He doesn't. Saul becomes fearful and makes the sacrifice himself. He figured he couldn't wait any longer. Just as he finished the sacrifice, Samuel walk up outraged at what has taken place, and so is God. Though Saul was king over Israel, he was not qualified to make such a sacrifice to God. What did this lack of trust cost king Saul? How did God deal with someone who did not follow God's plan? The Lord took away the kingdom and His own blessing from the king. Through obedience, the decedents of Saul could have maintained the royal line. If Saul only waited and obeyed God's plan.

There are a few parallels that I would like to make, even though the principles aren't exactly the same.

As I continued to look for a job, I was getting worried and impatient about how God would provide - if he would at all. It became very tempting to just find any job that would put food on the table or something that "would work". This would be acting out of self-reliance and lack of faith  - the same attitude that Saul had when God ripped the kingdom from him. So, instead of trying to just find something and make it work, Rachel and I began to pray that we wouldn't find anything except the Job that God would have for us. We wanted to act in faith and trust in God's timing. Sure enough, we continued to find nothing. (hahaha, never thought I would have been excited about this answered prayer.)

A few weeks went by and a potential job with a catering company came up with high possibility. Even more, it seemed I could really enjoy the position. It is a catering company for faith-based colleges and universities and I would work directly with students, which is something I wanted to do. I pursued this position with hopes that something might happen with it, but still waiting. (I'll admit though, one of the big reasons I wanted the job was because it provided enough money for Rachel and I to go on missions trips and serve people.)

About two weeks after I applied for the catering position, I received an email from a friend who is teaching in China. He went down to another part of China to visit his fiancee's cousin who teaches English at another school. He told me that they are in need of teachers with another school opening up and that if we were interested, we should contact them. To be honest, I did not know I was interested in teaching in China until this point. I didn't think I was qualified for something like that - I requested more information anyways.

What happened next can only be described as a blur. We exchanged nearly 20 emails over the weekend and I learned the job had everything we wanted... and needed. The only requirements were that we graduated college, speak English and are US residents - Check. (I guess I am qualified after all.) It would provide everything Rachel and I would need to live - food, a furnished apartment, and even enough of an income to start cracking away at my debt. In some areas the benefits were greater than those of the catering job. On the other side, it would mean leaving everything we know - including the English language - and going into something complete unknown. It would mean only taking four bags of personal belongings for a whole year. There would be risk, danger, and situations that we aren't qualified for. 

One of my favorite Old Testament stories is of Joshua entering the promise land. He faced a situation much like that one that we faced as we considered China. Though we aren't leading an entire nation into a new land with nations bigger than us, we do have a decision to make. We could make the decision off what we could see, or we could make it based on what God can do. If you think about it, Joshua didn't really do much at all - other than trust and follow the God would led the nation through the desert. As Joshua trusted, God moved through him and lead a nation into the promise land!

Rachel and I could run scared at the thought of going to China, and we could also end up like the first round of Hebrews that didn't trust God when He said not to be afraid. Though I do not think we will die, I do believe if we did not take this position we would miss out on the opportunity of a life time and the chance to show that we trust God with our future and therefore our lives. 

We decided to trust God and move forward, set up an interview and said we would take the position if they would be willing to have us. That Monday, less than two weeks from the first email, they offered us the position. They even offered it with us having to take two weeks off for a friend's wedding. We accept!

People have asked, "Why China?" and the answer is simple. It is where God is leading us and where we can show we are trusting Him with everything. God leads and we follow. It's just what we do.

Blessings from a pilgrim

Later

English?

There is truly no way I can explain everything that has happened over the last month that placed Rachel and I where we are today. There is even less of a chance that I would be able to articulate how God has moved in every situation so perfectly that Rachel and I are left speechless after each event takes place. With that said, I am going to try and explain the impossible.

As I near the end of my internship it only seems logical that I begin looking for a job. This proved to be much harder than I realized when, after months of looking for a job, nothing came back after or even showed possibility. I knew that God would provide something for us, though at this point fear is setting in. I set out a networking letter to friends and family at any hope of finding a job and getting things in place before the wedding. February, March, and into April - Nothing.

During those months Rachel and I prayed that God would provide the perfect job for us. We prayed that He would lead us to a job that would use of abilities and be something that we would enjoy. The more we thought and prayed, the more we did not want a normal job. Rachel even began to pray for me not to get a nice youth ministry job because it would be too easy for us. Without knowing it, I prayed for the same.

April 12th, I got a unexpected email from a friend, teaching English in China. At this point he is visiting his fiancee's cousin at another English school in China. He mentions that they are looking for English teachers and if I am interested I could contact her for more information. So, after a day to pray and think about it, I did just that. I shot her an email and started us on our way to China.

Over the course of that weekend we exchanged emails over twenty times and tried to figure out of this would even be possible. By Monday we had set up an interview time for Wednesday via Skype. Throughout the course of the week Rachel and I never left a state of shock because this might actually happen (We thought it made sense for our friends to do something like this or other people, but not for Rachel and I). By the time the interview was over we told them we would be willing to take the position if they accepted us.

That following Monday morning Rachel and I received our confirmation email that we had been accepted for the position of English teachers in China!

The weeks that followed after Rachel and I worked out the details, of what it would take and how to make this a reality this coming fall. It was then I realized that we would not only be getting married, but we would also be preparing to leave the country for an indefinite period of time. --Most people get married. Some people leave the country. But you would have to be crazy to do both?! We are so excited!

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

The First of Many

This is one of those updates I never thought I would be writing. And if I ever did write it, I had no concept that it would be now.

I am an official college graduate from Baptist Bible College of PA. May 5th Rachel and I walked and received our college degrees! Rachel did walk before me, but only by 25 people or so... I am sure she will rub that in my face for a while. All in good fun of course.

It was kind of strange saying goodbye to people knowing that it might be the last time you ever see them. It was also strange saying "see you later" to Rachel knowing the next time I see her will be when we are getting married (or close to it). It all seems so surreal, like something someone else would do - not me.

Getting together for graduation was well worth it for the pictures alone. So many memories wrapped up in a single moment or expression that would take hours to explain. These are the friendships that changed my life into what it is today. The price of tuition was a little much, but I would gladly pay it again to have the friends that I do.

Here is to four wonderful years with tons of wonderful people. I hope that it won't be the last time we get together, but just the first of many.

Blessings from a graduated pilgrim
Later

A Knight And His Lady

Time for another Story....

Once upon a time there was a young and noble knight by the name of Jeremy...

Yet, before our story begins we find Jeremy on the streets among the filth of the world, the poor and desperate of society. He spent much of his younger years, before becoming a knight, looking for pleasure and getting into trouble with any of his spare time. If you ever met this kid during these days you would never imagine him to be a knight or anyone of nobility. As depraved and vile as he is, it is a wonder even still that Someone would have rescued him from the mess that he was in.

The King is gracious, everyone knew that, but no one expected Him to rescue this ungrateful serf from the death that awaited him. There is no reason why the King paid for Jeremy's pardon other than to show more fully the capabilities of His own grace and mercy to the worst of people.

A trickster, liar, thief, a boy who would play with the hearts of young women for his own pleasure - convincing even himself that it was love to lessen the pain of his guilt. Being fully aware of the consequences he continued in his debauchery and lusted after the pleasures of the world. Worst of all he was a hypocrite! Claiming to be good when evil was the only thing on his mind. This continued until the high of his pleasures was out-weighed by guilt of his sins and he found himself left for dead. He tried to lift the weight of the guilt, but he was paralyzed by his own shame. He fought until he came to a point of desperation and realized that he needed Someone else to save him. He called for the King - his Father.

For a long time he rejected his Father's help, yet he could no long deny his need for Him. The King was the only one strong enough to lift the weight of guilt that Jeremy found himself under. And so, as much as he resisted - he cried out all the more of his salvation. He cried out to the point that he would willingly die if for only a moment relief from the burden that demanded his life. "Father, I give You my life if You would be gracious enough to save me" the young lad cry out in exhaustion. Once Jeremy stopped fighting for life he was met with the overwhelming grace of the King. He could not speak.

Shortly after his rescue the King not only forgave His unworthy son, but also dubbed him a knight of nobility. Thus our knight gained an inheritance in the Kingdom of Grace. We find our knight once again speechless.

Though the King said nothing more, and demanded nothing of the knight at the moment, Jeremy knew that his life would have to change. He went immediately to those people and things he once thought he loved and cast them aside for the purpose of what would await him. Leaving everything: his earthly father and mother, his relationships, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own way of life for the sake of the King (Luke 14:6). The once unworthy boy became a knight of nobility at a word – “forgiven”

Jeremy, out of gratitude wanted to live a new life that would please and honor the King. He left for knight training only months after his rescue to better serve his gracious King. He would do well on all of his tests and would study strategies to become a better knight. He continued with militant focus on all of his studies until he caught sight of a fair maiden. She was of surpassing beauty and strength, a combination not found in many kingdoms. Needless to say, our growing young knight became distracted.

The temptation to steal her heart crossed Jeremy's mind not even once. His days of thievery were over! Not seeing himself worthy of such a maiden, he instead purposed to protect the heart of the young girl even if it meant that she never knew his name. He would be a simple peasant to her. He would not impose, admit, or even hint at his affections for the girl because he did not want to hurt her. He would only protect for the sake of her heart - even at the cost of his own. At times other older knights would be taken to the fair Rachel, but Jeremy would only hope that they would honor and protect her. That is until an ungrateful knight mistreated her. He would not stand for that.

Disregarding his own age and worth, Jeremy sought the well-being of the beautiful maiden and would rescue her from the peril that ensued her. He sought to win her heart - not for himself, but so that he might best protect it from harm.

More than a passing romance, Rachel and Jeremy became friends. She was training to be musician, and him a knight, yet they became the best of companions. Both being at the training school, the two of them saw each other often. Jeremy, still not imposing his affections so as not to "arouse or awaken love until it so desires" (Song of Solomon 8:4), but wanted to guard her heart for the man that she would marry (First Thessalonians 4:3-6) - even if it was him. It was his job as a knight to protect her and keep her until she would give herself away to a man worthy to take her hand.

There came a day when Jeremy could stand it no longer, he would tell the fair Rachel his affections and ask for her heart in courtship - a relationship of purity for the purpose of marriage. As he consider the weight of his request, he realized there was no other to fill such a role. Rachel is Jeremy's best friend and he is her's, they are a team. Considering the situation that he would soon face, it wasn't that he wanted to be with her as much as that he couldn't imagine being without her.

 He posed his request and she cheerfully accepted and the two began to share their hearts with one another all the while keeping themselves for the one that they would marry (Even knowing it might be one another). Having hurt and been hurt, Jeremy would not share his true affections - both verbal and physical - until the day of marriage.

"Long ago there was a Great and Noble Knight - the King's first, only and best. He is the one who saved His Bride and slayed the great dragon of death..." Such stories never meant anything to Jeremy; now they are his dream to reflect. As the story goes, the Great Knight rescued his bride and kept her "in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless" (Ephesians 5:27) so that He might present her to Himself in complete purity at the marriage feast.

Now we meet our knight, Jeremy, at the end of his training, readying himself to battle the evil of the world. Taking the last of his leave, he visits the fair maiden Rachel as is his tradition that time of year. Though before journeying to her house he takes all that he has to buy a single ring. (White to symbolize sincerity, the blue as a symbol of purity and commitment, and the two clear diamonds to foretell the two of them venturing into the unknown together forever.) Jeremy intends to ask for her hand in marriage!

After asking her father's permission and getting his own father's blessing as well, Jeremy went on what most modern civilians call a "date" with the fair and beautiful Rachel. They left before daybreak for the near mountains in time to watch the sunrise above the horizon. They arrived just as the sun crest over the plains...

While shaking in his armor because of nervousness and the sun to his back, Jeremy pulled a little wooden heart to show that he would give his heart for hers. After she received his heart he continued by pulling out the single ring - a symbol of his affection for her - and got down on one knee. His speech broken yet definite, he said simply "Rachel, would you join me in a lifelong pursuit of God in marriage" to which she humbly joined him on her knees and hugged him saying, "Sure, I would love to."

Now the noble knight, Jeremy, and his fair lady, Rachel, are to be wed! The excitement overwhelms them, yet they are committed to save themselves for marriage later this very year. It is still their joy and greatest honor to serve the King who rescued them, and soon they will begin their adventure together as a knight and his lady.

A (mostly) true story from a pilgrim

Later

If you want to read how I really asked her and pictures of the ring, go to: Merry Christmas - updated

Merry Christmas! - updated

Rachel and I wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

I spent the week out here in New Mexico with her and her family and enjoyed a nice break. It has been wonderful and relaxing. It has gone by like a blur and I am sad that it is almost over.

Tuesday night I flew out after catching up with a good friend of mine and getting the last of my Christmas presents for Rachel and her family. The flight was uneventful. I stayed on the same plane the whole way only getting off to re-board in a different seat. Had some good conversations on the way with the different people I sat next with. The best part of Tuesday was giving Rachel a hug at the airport when her and her dad picked me up.

The 21st is my Mom's birthday, so I was sure to call and wish her a happy birthday! If you are reading this, Happy birthday again, and I love you.

Other than that not a whole lot happened during the week. Rachel and I made plans for our date that Friday, but otherwise we just hung around and helped out on the farm as best we could. I spent a lot of time sitting in front of the fire with Rachel's dad or just calling people and wishing them a Merry Christmas (a little early).

When Friday finally came around so did the snow. Any hopes of going anywhere for a date got snowed in with us. Whiteout conditions made travel dangerous and when they closed down the highway because of the snow Rachel and I started thinking up a plan 'B'. Yet, instead of doing anything date related we each spent the day doing our own thing. Rachel worked on a project that she started and I went for a walk around their property.

I honestly was very frustrated that our date didn't work out and I needed to spend some time blowing off steam. What better than walking around eighty acres in sub freezing temperatures. I walked around the wintery desert talking to God and thinking about life. I spent a good portion of time thinking about what would come next and whether I am ready for that. Starting a job, my relationship with Rachel, and life in general. I went walking in search of an answer or some since of peace and I never felt ready to come back - back to the reality of life. The time I spent out there was invaluable and a providence from God. I really needed to spend some time away from everything and think. Even now I am wondering how Rachel and I would be different if we didn't spend that time apart or where I would be if I didn't go for that walk.

As Friday night came to a close playing cards with her and her sister, I come up with a plan B. I told her it was a little crazy and I wasn't joking. the plan consisted of getting up at 5:32am when it is close or lower than 7 degrees outside. Rachel and I bundled up and set out for the closest mountain, South Mountain, to watch the sunrise. Nearly getting stuck once we managed to park it and find a good spot just as the sun rose above the horizon in a rich red and orange.

After taking a few pictures and watching the sun come up I gave Rachel an early (despite her protest) Christmas present. A little wooden heart that I made on Monday night for just such the event. Over the summer she gave me her heart (a little wooden one that she made over the summer), it was my time to give her mine. With that we only had one direction to go - forward. So I told her I had another present for her (Still to her protest), the truest expression of my affection for her. I got down on one knee and asked if she would join me in a life long pursuit of God in marriage.... She said, "Of course, I would love to" and now we are engaged!  

As much as we wanted to stay in that moment and enjoy our romantic moment of the year - it was freezing!!! We ran back to the truck with all the hay still in the bed and drove back into town in search of breakfast or anything warm. On Christmas Eve, nothing is open - just in case you were wondering. We ended up just going back to her house and making some breakfast ourselves. So good!

The rest of Christmas Eve consisted of cleaning for the next day, wrapping presents, and building a Christmas Tree from tumble-weed. For the last three years I have been responsible for building the Christmas tree, and it is so much fun! oh yeah, and enjoying our engagement!

Christmas day! It felt like it lasted forever - early breakfast, church, got back and started cooking, opening present and having guests over for dinner. Going to a church that I only visit once a year is weird because I spend half my time catching people up concerning the previous year and what the next year will consist of. This year was "worse" because Rachel and I not only had to catch up with people but also got to tell them about our engagement! Even though I didn't know a lot of the people, I did enjoy telling and retelling the engagement story to people - it was almost like I needed to convince myself that it happened.

After church we were planning to have a few families over for dinner up top of Rachel's family, which meant lots of cooking. A turkey, ham, beef brisket, mushroom soup, and a dozen sides - What a feast! We did a full table set with multiple spoons and forks, bread and butter plates and matching cups. It was incredible and looked wonderful.

Before we sat down for dinner we spend a few minutes to open presents. I was picked to hand out the presents for everyone - like part of the family! Rachel's sister got me German Rosetta Stone, her parents got me a survival blade/pick/shovel/hatchet, Rachel got me a grilling set, her parents got me a calender. One of my personal favorites is from Rachel's older sister - a wooden sign with "Ice Cream" written on it. Reminds me of a good friend of mine who calls me that. I also got some socks for her nieces and nephews - funny story behind that one! The short of it is, I think socks are useful and when they asked me what I wanted it was the first thing that came to mind. Overall very wonderful gifts and a great time. I think I am still waiting for a few things in the mail from my sister and Dad. The best gift of all is having Rachel as a finance!

Now with a weeks worth of leftovers in the fridge and some new presents to play with, Rachel and I are enjoying the last few days before we go our ways. She has one more semester of school and I have an internship to finish up and then we will go from their. The wedding in the in planning process and we are excited to be together, we continue to seek God through His word for the wisdom that would makes marriage possible. Though having a great wedding would be awesome, having a lasting marriage is what we are really after.

Merry Christmas everyone, and a happy new year as well!

Blessings from a pilgrim

Later

Finally done

The average 22 year old has spent the majority of his life in some kind of educational institution, for some that is all they know about life. Starting as early as they are able and going until they graduate college, that is their life. They finish college and then what? I don't really know, but you are welcome to come along with me to find out, I hope their is adventure!

A lot of people that I talk to say they are really glad to be done with college and get on with life, but I will be honest and say that I enjoyed it. I don't know that I will miss the papers or homework, definitely not the school bill each month, but the people. A person makes the strongest relationships during the four years at college, some of them will last a lifetime, all of them will be missed. Just thinking about them is making me want to go visit each of them and talk the night away like we would in the dorms. Or all the nicknames... my word. And the stories that took place between the hours of 10:30pm and 2am. Haha, graduating is proof enough of God's grace for me. Good friends and great times.

Just like starting a new chapter in a good book when you don't know what is going to happen - I am starting a new chapter in my life and I have no clue what is next. I mean, I have a plan and some ideas, but what God has in store for me I will find out as it comes. But since you asked, I will share some of the plan that I have working so far.

My internship will continue another five months, until the end of May and then I am free to move about where I wish. During those five months I need to get my act together and send out resumes and applications to everyone I know that might know someone. I will send my resume through people instead of internet sites, I have heard that there is much higher success rates doing it that way. It is completely up to God where I end up, but if I had my choice I would like to move somewhere I haven't been before. I would be okay with Utah, Colorado, or basically anywhere with mountains. Being close to Rachel would be a plus too, I sure do like her.

If God sees fit that I should find a job than I start the adventure of meeting new people and getting settling into a new environment. I am still working on a integration plan to make the most of those first months of a new job. That is always the most challenging part for me - getting to know people and rebuild a social life. But that is part of the experience I hear, and I am okay with that. Then there is finding a place to stay! So much to do, and all of it will likely happen within the next year. I am so excited!

Before I launch into this next chapter of life I have Christmas break, and I am going to enjoy it. I leave Tuesday and get back the following Wednesday with only one goal in mind. Spend time with Rachel (her family too) and have a wonderful Christmas. I can hardly wait.

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

Break hearts and bones

I wrote a story awhile ago about how God showed up in my life and what that meant for me. A story about an unrelenting God of love and mercy that came into my life to forgive my screwed up life and give me joy. Today I want to share with you another chapter of my life and my journey toward knowing God.

Much like every other person at the age of 18, I went to school, had a job, and I was involved in youth group here and there. I knew God, I went to church and I read my bible - "is there anything else to this Christian thing?" I thought to myself. I looked around me and I didn't really see a problem with my life or how I was living. There were times when I felt far from God or when I sinned pretty bad, but I figured that is what forgiveness is for anyways. Not only that, but from my perspective I wasn't half as bad as some of the other kids in youth group. But I knew in my mind wasn't what it should be. I was holding something from God, a part of my life that I loved more than Him.

I hated it... and loved it at the same time. It needed to leave my life, but I didn't think I could have lived without it. I tried to stop so many times, to break the habit and free myself from the sin that enslaved me, but was only met by disappointment. There was a constant battle going on in me, and every time I would lose. I hated myself, and I hated the life that I was living. I called myself a Christian, but that felt like a joke... No good christian would feel as separated from God as I did. I felt like I couldn't even ask him forgiveness any more. I would only go back to my selfish lifestyle and seek to please myself. I wasn't pleasing God, and I know that I wasn't kidding him either. I was a mess and we both knew it.

There came a point when I gave up. An event came into my life and I didn't respond the way that I should have and blow it. The separation that I felt from God was killing me and I couldn't handle it anymore. At that point something needed to happen, and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way! But the reality was I had already tired so many times before to save myself and I just fell again. I couldn't do it any more, and so I just gave up. I simply said, "God I can't do this anymore, I am a wreck and so is my life. I have played the game long enough and it is killing me. I have tried to save myself from my sin but I can't, and I am done trying to - you need to do it or it is never going to happen. Take my life and do what you want with it, because I am done."

I went home that night and God put something inside of me. I knew that I had to do everything I could to rid myself my distraction and pursue God. It was everything or nothing. I was going to take every step I could to pursue God. I broke hearts, and I think I would have broken bones if the occasion called for it. I wanted to have a closeness to God, I wanted to joy and peace that He promised. I was sick and tired of the joke of a life that I had. I was done!

God call people to deal radically with sin. He does not want half-hearted followers, but people that will go to great lengths to be with Him. I thought that night that I would break hearts and bones to be with Him, and I think that is the attitude that Christians should have all the time when it comes to sins.

 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
~Matthew 5:29-30~ 

 (Don't misunderstand: Being perfect does not get you into heaven, being forgiven does. No amount of removing sin can save you, only Christ can.)

Later

Running Away

I good friend of mine ran away from home the other day. He lived to tell me about it.

He ended up going home after about 2 hours. Yet the situation does not come as weird, the emotions behind such drastic measures are familiar to me. I have ran away once or twice. In the same fashion it was only for an hour or so, and then I came back, but I thought about leaving for good. I still think about that today, even when I am away from home, and away from my family. There are events in my life that hurt, people that don't care, and situations that I would rather not deal with. These things in my life that just get under my skin and make me want to leave. I don't know where I would go most of the time, but I think anywhere is better than where I am now. It gets so frustrating that it makes me want to scream! or worse... If not for the Holy Spirit in me, only God knows what I would do. Nothing good I would imagine.

I have to ask the question though, "why shouldn't I run away?" What really is keeping me here? If the situation and people frustrate me so much that I want to scream, why on earth should I have to put up with it? What is the benefit of staying in a harmful situation, a stressful environment, or in a place that no one even loves or cares about me. Seriously, God! why bother? Why do I stick it out? what is the point of putting up with my parents, with people bully me, or supposed "friends" that put me down all the time. I have had days what I don't even think people would have noticed that I left.

Actually, I know they wouldn't notice. I have left for a whole day out in the woods and when I came back no one even knew I left (This only gave me more reason to leave). But something compelled me to come home - again and again I kept coming home. At first it was the simply fact that I couldn't leave because I was too young. But later I heard about Jesus. I might be crazy, but I would come home and face it - usually head on - sometimes every day of the week. An argument before dinner, and a late night fight and don't forget the weekend brawl. I honestly do wonder why we bother? Why don't we just run away from the pain or avoid the situation? But I think the answer is found in asking a slightly different question.

I talk about running away from problems or getting away from a situation, but I am also running to something. In my case I normally am trying to run from tension and run to peace, comfort or something like that. Who isn't trying to do this?

 Jesus is a man that had every reason to run away almost all the time. If you look at His life He didn't have it easy. I am not even talking about the cross. I mean growing up, being around the disciples, and walking through His home town. His own parents forgot Him when He was younger. The people in His home town didn't respect Him or believe Him - including His brothers and friends. Whenever He went into a town it wasn't long before the popular or important people rejected him or threw out his idea. To be blunt about it, Jesus was a reject, very lonely, and put in some tough situations. If there were ever a reason to run away - Jesus had it. He doesn't though.

Instead of running away from problems and pain, He from heave to earth to faced them. He went into the problems and dealt with them. Instead of running away from the family that rejected Him, He loved them. Instead of finding new friends, he stuck it out with the twelve he had - even when they abandon Him He would forgive them. When His parents forgot Him, He stilled listened to them. When man turned on Him and kill Him, He forgives us and promises a way for us to be with Him.

 ⁸ Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead, descended from David. This is my gospel, ⁹ for which I am suffering even to the point of being chained like a criminal. But God’s word is not chained. ¹⁰ Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory.
 ¹¹ Here is a trustworthy saying:
   If we died with him,
   we will also live with him;
¹² if we endure,
   we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
   he will also disown us;
¹³ if we are faithless,
   he remains faithful,
   for he cannot disown himself. (Paul to Timothy - II Tim 2:8-13)

 This is why I don't run away. If I die trusting and following Jesus I will one day also live with Him. This is why I face the hard situation. Jesus stuck it out and promises that if I endure with Him that I can be with Him. This is why I stick it out. I like Paul endure everything so that others can receive forgiveness and be with Jesus too.  It also says that if we disown Him, He will disown us - that is not a situation that I want to endure. It finally says that He is faithful meaning He cannot go back on his promises. So I choose the promise of dying and enduring with Him and living with Him. He promises forgiveness; what do you choose to do?

Later

Running a Blank

I could write something lengthy about all the wonderful adventures Rachel and I have. I could tell you about countless conversations that made my day. I could even tell you about a surprise that I am planning for her - because she likes surprises. Or I could write all sorts of nonsense about how much I like her, but you have no reason to read that. I could fill quite a few pages about what I think about Rachel, but I will save that for another day. What I will share with you is what takes all those words right out of my mouth and make my mind run blank. Her face.

Rachel and Hannah (respectively)

Blessings from a Pilgrim

Later

Not a Counselor

This past week has been very different than I would have expected it to be. Both in the process of the week and the outcome of events. I house sat for a family which turned out to be a great relationship builder with them, I went out to lunch at least three times with students, got a plan together for an after school program and a few other things. It has been a great week I would say.

As I was saying, I house sat for a family in the youth group while their mom is in the hospital. I only had to drop them off at school and/or make sure they got on the bus. I didn't think it was going to be that much of a deal to them. I was hoping for a little more trust/relationship building time with them, but I only got breakfast and dropping them off at school. God took that little amount of time and used it though, at the end of three or four days they came up and asked if I would want to go to a theme park with them, and I am able to easily engage them at youth group too. As this happened I realized that God can use even the smallest interaction for something great. Also, if you really care about something or someone, people (whether young or old) notice. This can be good or bad. This case happened to be good, and now they are beginning to trust me.

I was talking with someone the other day when I thought of something. Kids learn life lessons and morals not by being told, but by being shown. As much as we would like to believe otherwise, I think students and kids prefer to have something practical set before them to learn from, not just an abstract idea. Though I could be wrong and I am the exception and not the norm. The thought that I had stills remains. The Old Testament in the Bible is written mostly in stories or morals and beliefs, not abstract ideas about beliefs. The Old Testament functioned as Israel's History book, their story book and their book of Law. There wasn't a whole lot of abstract ideas of following God or believing in Him, but stories about people who have. This is why I think that stories are a great way to teach people an idea or concept. But that is the opinion of a "know it all" college student. I am sure when I graduate and no longer know everything that will change.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, the first of November! What happened to the year? The after school program is tomorrow, needless to say, I am pretty excited about going. I took a more active role and gave the teacher a little bit of a break. I need to start using my Youth Ministry degree in something, and this is something that I really enjoy. Joe D and I met on Friday to talk about what Epic (the after school program) might look like. We landed on "Fellowship" and the "one another" commands of the New Testament. There is roughly 13-16 different "one another" commands, and I think 14-15 weeks left of epic for the school year. Since it is a Christian fellowship type thing that meets, I thought the subject is fitting. The topic is easy enough that if one of the students wanted to teach they could, too. Pray for Epic and the students involved

I got to talk with my Dad on Friday for a while. I really enjoyed that. We talked about some of the things that I have posted on my blog and different things going on at home. I am very glad we had that conversation and I look forward to more in the future. Everything at home is still pretty normal - or I should say, the same. Nothing new is happening. Mom is mom, dad is dad, my sisters are still my sisters, and the world is still a mess. God has been working in my family though, and it is very cool to watch in retrospect what he has done. To name one: Shanyne is considering taking a listening class to help other hurting students in her High school. This would provide a great inlet for her to build relationship to ultimately share the love of Christ with people. Dad said she was excited about it. I don't blame her. I am excited for her. Pray for Shanyne as she seeks opportunity to love people

One of the times I went out for lunch this week I met with a student who's life isn't exactly heavenly. I have spent the last couple of weeks getting to know him and building a level of trust. Then this week I asked him some hard questions about what he is going though. When going through this time of situation, talking is the last thing someone wants to do, but it is one of the most valuable things. I gained a since of freedom from my pain when I talked about them. It's as if I acknowledged them and then could move on. I said it hurt me and that I was hurting, and for there I could begin healing. Being asked the hard questions myself I also was able to get to the bottom of my pain and see all the areas that I have been affected. Now I have the responsibility to help others to to the bottom of their pain as well. Pray for Anthony and I as we process through life and seek God in the midst of out hurt

(This is my opinion, I do not have a degree in counseling or anything of that nature. This is just my experience) People often refer to something like this as "being wounded" or "hurt" and those are correct. When something like separation or tragedy comes into our lives, it is a lot like a wound. But also like a wound, it needs to be thoroughly cleaned out before it can properly heal. It might scab over or stop bleeding, but that is not healed - It could still get an infection or something. If a wound does get an infection, the cleaning process must be that much more thorough. By asking questions and talking about it, we are able to flush out the wound and let healing start. Word of caution: cleaning out a wound, especially a deep one, never feels good when you are doing it, but it must be done.

I have been very encouraged by all that is going on. I get excited to see things start moving and God working. I am excited to see what God will do with the situations that I am a part of and the stories that will come of it. Continue to pray for my family. I believe that God can turn it into an incredible story of restoration and redemption. That is my story and I am sticking to it!

I talked with Rachel last night, she is doing okay. She is not excited about the snow they got out there. Nearly 10 inches. She is very excited that she only has 24 academic weeks left in her school year before she graduates. She has a lot to get done between here and May though, Pray that she keeps focused on the true goal and finishes well. Whatever that means.

Blessings from a pilgrim

Later

God Showed Up

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. ¹⁷ For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. ¹⁸ Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. ¹⁹ This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. ²⁰ Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. ²¹ But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.  (John 3:16-21 NIV)

Once upon a time there was a boy named Jeremy. He loved to surprise people and to help in any way that he can, and if there was a way to surprise people by helping them it only made it better. But there was one thing that he loved more than both of those, and that was his Dad. He did not see his Dad much, but he looked forward to every moment that he had with his Dad. Jeremy got excited when he would run out and meet his Dad coming home from work in his blue sports car, or when his Dad would bring him home something from a business trip. Whatever it was it did not really matter, Jeremy looked forward to spending time with his Dad and would remember the time spent together more than anything else.

Some nights, he remembers them well, he and his Dad would watch TV together and it come time for bed for little Jeremy. Much like any 6 year old, he did not want to go to bed but his Dad insisted that he go to bed. Jeremy's Dad said that he would be down shortly to check on him and help him make his bed before he went to sleep. Jeremy took this as an opportunity to do what he loved to do, help and surprise people - he made his bed quickly and went and hid under his covers to try and scare his Dad. Although he knew nothing scared his Dad, and definitely not little Jeremy, he always liked to try. The first few times it back fired and his Dad scared Jeremy more then he scared his Dad, and eventually became like a late night game of hide and seek in his room before bed the night when Dad was home.

Then came a night that Jeremy remembers well. After he was told to go to bed  by his Dad, Jeremy raced down stairs to make his bed and hide. He found the perfect hiding place even though it was the same one that he used only two nights before. He tried his best to slow his breathing to better hid from his Dad and increase the nearly impossible odds that he wouldn't be found. He lied there under his bed for what seemed like forever for a little kid waiting for his Dad. He waited and waited, but he didn't even hear foot steps. After a while he gave up the hope that he Dad would show up and just went to bed. He believed that he Dad either forgot or did not care. Either way this was one of the last times that Jeremy hid from his Dad.

Many years later, Jeremy now a young teenager, still loved to surprise people and work hard to help people, but he had an unknown fear of surprising his own Dad. He would hang out with him and want to be with him, but Jeremy was scared to trust him. He was not sure he would show up or like his surprises. Not trusting people or believing what people would say eventually became a characteristic of Jeremy's life to everyone, not just his Dad. Yet even in the midst of his distrust, Jeremy always wanted his Dad to show up and just be there.

There came another night, one that Jeremy also remembers but does not fully understand. His Dad drove him quietly to a place called Church. They hardly talked the whole way their, and the only thing Jeremy remembers is his Dad saying "I'll be back at 8 to pick you up." Jeremy liked Church because he could go his whole day there and not have people bother him or talk to him. It was like hiding for the world. Even though he liked being invisible and not being found out, yet deep down he wanted someone to find him and be with him. That night, Someone did. Jeremy heard a story of God, who no one could hide from, and would never leave leave anyone who believed that He is real. This sounded to good to be true for Jeremy, but he wanted to believe it. This God that they talked about forgave mistakes, healed distrust and would be like a perfect Father to those who would trust Him. Jeremy knew where this was going and began to break down over the story and more importantly over this God.

Crying, Jeremy went to find someone who would help him understand how to get this God and how to believe in Someone he could not see. Jeremy is told that he does not have to "do" anything, just believe that God is real and present, and trust His Son with everything. As likely you would guess, Jeremy did not like the idea of trusting Jesus in this way. He still have a lot of distrust when it came to relying on people, whether it was Jesus Christ or not, but he had to do something. Jeremy wanted to trust this Jesus and be known by this perfect Father, and so through tears, he said that he would - not even knowing what that means. Jeremy just knew that this God showed up and called him out of hiding into the light and wanted to be with him, and that was enough. Jeremy trusted in Jesus to bring him to the Father, and his life has never been the same.

Since that night Jeremy has had a roller coaster of a life, with good and bad times alike. At times he would try and hide from God, but it never worked - Jesus always found him and called him out. Another time a rough situation came, but Jesus is there and Jeremy can trust Him to be there. There is no place that he can go that Jesus is not present also. There is no mistake or evil so bad that Jesus would not forgive him, and there is no hiding place good enough that Jesus would not find him. At times Jeremy thought it impossible that Jesus could ever find him in the mistakes he made and forgive him for what he had done, and it was those times that Jesus showed up the brightest and forgave the most.

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later