Break hearts and bones

I wrote a story awhile ago about how God showed up in my life and what that meant for me. A story about an unrelenting God of love and mercy that came into my life to forgive my screwed up life and give me joy. Today I want to share with you another chapter of my life and my journey toward knowing God.

Much like every other person at the age of 18, I went to school, had a job, and I was involved in youth group here and there. I knew God, I went to church and I read my bible - "is there anything else to this Christian thing?" I thought to myself. I looked around me and I didn't really see a problem with my life or how I was living. There were times when I felt far from God or when I sinned pretty bad, but I figured that is what forgiveness is for anyways. Not only that, but from my perspective I wasn't half as bad as some of the other kids in youth group. But I knew in my mind wasn't what it should be. I was holding something from God, a part of my life that I loved more than Him.

I hated it... and loved it at the same time. It needed to leave my life, but I didn't think I could have lived without it. I tried to stop so many times, to break the habit and free myself from the sin that enslaved me, but was only met by disappointment. There was a constant battle going on in me, and every time I would lose. I hated myself, and I hated the life that I was living. I called myself a Christian, but that felt like a joke... No good christian would feel as separated from God as I did. I felt like I couldn't even ask him forgiveness any more. I would only go back to my selfish lifestyle and seek to please myself. I wasn't pleasing God, and I know that I wasn't kidding him either. I was a mess and we both knew it.

There came a point when I gave up. An event came into my life and I didn't respond the way that I should have and blow it. The separation that I felt from God was killing me and I couldn't handle it anymore. At that point something needed to happen, and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way! But the reality was I had already tired so many times before to save myself and I just fell again. I couldn't do it any more, and so I just gave up. I simply said, "God I can't do this anymore, I am a wreck and so is my life. I have played the game long enough and it is killing me. I have tried to save myself from my sin but I can't, and I am done trying to - you need to do it or it is never going to happen. Take my life and do what you want with it, because I am done."

I went home that night and God put something inside of me. I knew that I had to do everything I could to rid myself my distraction and pursue God. It was everything or nothing. I was going to take every step I could to pursue God. I broke hearts, and I think I would have broken bones if the occasion called for it. I wanted to have a closeness to God, I wanted to joy and peace that He promised. I was sick and tired of the joke of a life that I had. I was done!

God call people to deal radically with sin. He does not want half-hearted followers, but people that will go to great lengths to be with Him. I thought that night that I would break hearts and bones to be with Him, and I think that is the attitude that Christians should have all the time when it comes to sins.

 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
~Matthew 5:29-30~ 

 (Don't misunderstand: Being perfect does not get you into heaven, being forgiven does. No amount of removing sin can save you, only Christ can.)

Later