South Africa - She is back!

Sorry for not posting on either Monday or Tuesday. I was on the road to pick Rachel up from the airport. The whole time she was gone I was planning to make the trip out here to help pick her up or at least see her when she got back. Turns out even better than that - I got to drive the cargo van and had 3+ hours with her to talk on the drive back. I missed her a lot more than I thought I would have.

I left Monday around 11am and arrived safely by the grace of God (not joking - I was so sleepy for some reason) around 5pm. I ate dinner twice - once at school and once with a friend and then went to bed at 8pm. Woke back up at 1:30am to get everything ready, do some reading, and leave for JFK Airport at 4am. Arrived  at 7am and surprised Rachel at 8am! She had no idea!

I also was able to take a few pictures on the way in that morning. It was kind of tricky because I was driving (don't worry, I took this when at a complete stop in traffic).

I hope you enjoy this little adventure. I know that I did.

Blessings from a pilgrim that is happy to have his best friend back safely,

Later

South Africa - Day 16

Sunday when I went to find my note I realized something. There was only two more notes left in the pile! Which meant that there was only two more days until Rachel got back. I can hardly believe it!? Thought some days it honestly has felt like more than 2 weeks, these past two have gone by rather quickly. I lean more on the "This is taking forever" side of things - I would really like Rachel back.

By the time most people are getting to work, Rachel will be getting on one of her planes to get back to the US. The big flight leaves at 6pm (noon my time) Monday. 16+ hours later, she lands.

The hardest part of her coming back is going to be catching her up on the last 17 days. So much has happened! A normal two weeks would be difficult to talk about, but two weeks were we are both in serious ministry positions is a bit more challenging. Not only do we get to talk about what happened, but always what happened to us. How God challenged and shaped our lives as a result of the past two weeks. I know that will be a big one for me. I have no doubts that will be huge for her also. God has done wondrous things.

I don't really have anything else to say right now. I am just looking forward to having Rachel back and being about to talk more than we have the last two weeks (not much for those that are wondering). I guess that is it.

Blessings from a impatiently waiting pilgrim,
Later

South Africa - Day 15

Today Rachel and the Chambers team will be at a church and helping out with the different ministries. Youth ministry I think. This is their second to last full day in South Africa before flying back to the states. On Sunday they will lead worship at a church, Monday they will pack up and say their goodbyes. Their flight takes off at 3pm. With travel time to the airport, I would imagine that this is relatively early.

I got to exchange a few emails with Rachel today. Having the chance to talk with her only made me more excited about her coming back. We have already set up a Skype date for Wednesday and I know that we are both looking forward to that. I'll also get a quick phone call when she lands to know she is safe - I appreciate those.

In preparation for getting married, Rachel and I are reading lots of different books on relationships and marriage in general. Some of them are more useful than others. Most of them provide a good platform to talk about different subjects or share ideas. The book I am reading now is titled, Love and Respect and deals with the core needs of both males and females. It has been a great read so far - I read most of it today, hope to finish it tomorrow.

One of the most helpful things about reading this book is that Rachel read it first. She underlined a bunch of stuff, wrote notes along the way, and she pointed out things she would likely do. Now I am reading the book and trying to do the same. Writing down comments and underlining the important parts to talk about later.

Reading these kind of books are very helpful to prevent the marriage from going sour (I need all the help I can get), but I always wonderful if they can help repair a marriage gone bad. The book claims that multiple marriages have been saved, but I have my doubts. The more I read this book, though, the more I think it might be possible. If there is anything good in a person, they could make it work I believe. It is worth a shot at least - what is their to lose?

Blessings from a pilgrim in progress,
Later

South Africa - Day 14

When Rachel left for this trip, they - or at least she - didn't know what they would be doing Friday morning. Knowing the people that scheduled the events, I can only think it is going to be something incredibly fun and eye opening. I don't know if they would be able to beat the safari though. Nothing beats seeing a good water-buffalo. Except maybe seeing a normal buffalo, say in New Mexico.

Rachel is so close to coming back to the states. One three more days until they get on the plane to fly home, four more days until she is picked up and brought back to BBC. 16 hour flight, plus 6 hour time change. I wonder how she will adjust back to normality.

I know one thing for certain, she isn't going to be the same as when she left. Going to a different country for any period of time changes people, South Africa is no exception. I would think as a country that is so different from our own it would make even more of an impact. I guess I will find out when she gets back and has a little time to consider what she experienced.

I found out the secrets behind the notes! Not really, Rachel told me.
Here is what happened. While I went to visit Rachel for the Spring Play a few weeks ago, I brought a few students with me. Rachel had been planning this for a while, so during one of the meals when I was away from the table she handed one of the students, Sierra, the notes and told her what to do with them. When I came back and they were laughing I didn't think anything of it. I know better know. Sierra handed the notes to Kyle the following Sunday, now I get one each day.

Sad story, Kyle is leaving for the weekend which means no more notes... Or so I thought. Kyle just handed me the whole pack of them. Now I have to use my self control (what little I have) to wait each day to open a new one. There is special instruction to wait until she is home before opening the last one. I hope I can last that long...

Blessings from a pilgrim that just ordered new sandals,
Later

South Africa - Day 13

I'll be honest, this morning has been really rough. I got blasted at work and I didn't know what to do. I fell behind and felt the defeat. My legs are sore and my hand is bleeding. I am very tired and would rather not go into work at the church today. But then something changed...

I got back from work and turned my computer on with a picture of Rachel in South Africa as the background. Suddenly all the tiresome pain didn't seem so bad. I looked at the picture again and all the trouble seemed well worth it.

I read something the other day that has changed how I view relationships, marriages in particular, mine especially. The concept in the book reads that good marriages are built out of pain and sacrifice. Marriage isn't about making you happy, it is about making you holy. I thought that was a crazy, yet profound idea. I am sure it is true.

God uses things in our lives to help us grow - whether that is relationships or events, he uses them. This whole concept has made me look at the people around me with fresh eyes and wonder what God is trying to do.

Only a couple more days until Rachel gets back...

Blessings from a weary yet joyful pilgrim,

Later

South Africa - Day 12

Here are a few pictures from the South Africa Group. What a good looking group of people - I am partial to the one in pig-tails. In her good fashion, the forecast is supposed to be around 80*F and Rachel is wearing pants.

Saying goodbye to Durban and heading up to Richards Bay, two hours north

Hluhluwe Umfolozi Game Park with the Chamber Singers - We saw 3 of the Big 5 (elephant, water buffalo, and rhinoceros), along with warthogs, giraffes, wildebeest, zebra, impala, nyala, kudu, eland, etc 

Only a couple more days until she has to fly back. On both our ends it seems like it has gone by so fast! I remember dreading the days she would be gone, and now its less than 5 days before she flies back. Time is fleeting fast!

Blessings
Later

South Africa - Day 11

I have to admit, I am kind of falling behind on the blogging thing the last couple of days. Hopefully I will catch up a little bit today. I don't feel to bad though, Rachel fell behind to and won't be catching up today because they are going on a safari through a game park. Jealous.

When we skyped yesterday she told me about a guy whose entire car got gored by an elephant... I don't know how that was supposed to make me feel better about the situation. I just hope she is okay and has a good time, and sees some cool animals.

Skyping yesterday was awesome. Just to see her blurry faces and talk with her. We didn't have long - we were even cut short due to lower battery life on her end of things, but God gave us enough time to catch up on a few things and end in prayer. It was wonderful. I only have 6 more days until she will be back in "person". I might not be able to be with her, but the skype ratio will go up and she will be closer. That will be nice.

Blessings from a pilgrim that is missing out on safari day... strange, right?
Later

South Africa - Day 10

This is worth way more than a thousand words.

Blessings from a blessed pilgrim
Later

South Africa - Day 9

Today I again realized how much I miss and need Rachel.
We have a Q&A about relationship and had lots of conversations about relationships. It is hard not to think about her during those conversations. Also, I can only help with onside of the conversation, I am not that helpful when it comes to the girl's side of things. Rachel is wonderful with that sort of thing. She has a heart to help and encourage people in that area. Not that I don't, she is just better when it comes to speaking with the girls.

Shorter one tonight, it has been a long day.

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

South Africa - Day 8

If Rachel slept in, then she and I woke up pretty close to the same time today. Parts of the day are even going to be spent doing roughly the same thing. Sightseeing.

Rachel and the Chambers team are going to be sightseeing all day today and enjoying the beauty of South Africa. I will hop on my bike and go sightseeing in Brecksville, Ohio. Not exactly the same, but I can pretend if I want.

Kyle had knee surgery yesterday, so giving me my note from Rachel may have slipped his mind. I don't blame him - it isn't every day you get cut open. That doesn't change how much I would like to receive my other notes though.

I suppose I could just go into his room and grab them. They are all just sitting on his table wrapped in a rubber band. All of them personally written from Rachel to me for these two weeks... But, instead of breaking the "rules", I'll just wait for the notes as they come. I know I will get them all at some point.

I still haven't figured out how Kyle got a hold of them without me knowing. I guess she could have just sent them to him, but I normally get the mail, which is what makes it confusing. Oh well. I guess I'll have to ask her when I see her next. In about 10 days.

Blessings
Later

South Africa - Day 7

Rachel has finished up with the day by now. Filled with Assemblies and youth ministry, I am sure it was tiring but not long enough. Tomorrow is sightseeing in the Durban area of South Africa. She is going to love that, I know it. She will more than likely use it to catch up on her journal, take a bunch of pictures and share them with others. She is just like that.

It is hard to believe that it has already been a week since she left. It seems like yesterday when I started to complain about her being gone. Now I there is only a little over 10 days that remain before she lands back in the US. I firmly believe that God has been gracious to help me through her not being here. I had even asked friends of mine to pray for me while she is gone because I knew I would be a mess. Looking back on this week, I can see God clearly supplying my satisfaction.

Rick asked me the other day if I missed her more now that she is in South Africa. The answer is not that I miss her more, but differently. ...Maybe a little more too, but mostly differently.
When she is at school I know what she is experiencing and can share in those experiences. I know the jokes about the professors and the difficulties of being a student. I am able to share in those experiences. I have no idea what she is experiencing - despite what the first paragraph might make you think. I know she is having a good time and all, but that is so little compare to the bigger picture. I can't relate to the feeling of holding the children, to singing to people who might not understand the words, of listening to people sing who I don't understand. Those are things that I might know, but I can't understand.

I miss her because she is growing in different directions than I am, without me. I miss her because she is having life changing experiences and I am not there with her. I miss her when I think about all the stories that "You had to be there..." to understand or even get at all. So, I guess you could say I miss her because she is father away, but the physical distance isn't want concerns me. I miss her more because there is a relational distance that is growing between us. The distance caused by different experiences and understandings of each other.

So, when Rick asked if I missed her, I said yeah. I do miss Rachel.

Blessings from a temporally-single pilgrim
Later

South Africa - Day 6

I don't really know what Rachel did this morning when I woke up, nor what she was doing when I ate breakfast this morning. I do know that she found a computer at some point though and sent me an email. She told me a little about her experiences and how she misses me. I thought that was cool.

I also know that she is having a great time because of the pictures that I received of them. They are all having an absolutely wonderful time ministering to the people down there and worshiping God together. She said the team is really growing close together. She is really enjoying herself. I am glad for that.

These are just some of the pictures that the group shared on Facebook. Rachel tells me she has so many more, and stories to go with each of them. I can hardly wait to hear them.

The hardest part about Rachel being gone is obviously not being able to communicate. But that is only made worse when there is so much that needs to be communicated about and she isn't around. My week has been filled with lots of decisions and new experiences that just aren't the same without her here. Learning just isn't as much fun when you don't experience it together. I imagine she is thinking the same while down in South Africa.

I'll tell you what, though, these pictures and the email came at just the right time. They are an encouragement to continue to pray and ask God to do wonderful things through the team. It is also just really nice to see her face and what she is experience down there. Get a glimpse of what is happening down there. I don't know how else to explain the feeling/effect. They are just comforting and bring a smile to my face.

Speaking of smiles... I just got handed another note :) 

Never mind, Kyle. You aren't so bad after all. Even if you are holding all the other notes above my head as I type this blog... Stinking Kyle.

Blessings from a pilgrim in progress.

Later

South Africa - Day 5

Before I even get back from training tonight, Rachel will be waking up and starting her day. I started my day riding my bike to Starbucks to meet Chris, I wonder how she started her day. The temperature I would imagine was pretty close to the same today, 75*F with a slight breeze. Wonderful.

I am pretty sure Kyle forgot to put a note somewhere today. Either that or I just can't find this one. I have been wandering around the house like an idiot all day and I haven't seen a thing. Either way, I want that note.

I checked the car, the frig, the bathroom, the closets, even the microwave. Nothing. I hope that I find it when I get back from training tonight. That would be splendid.

Blessings from a disappointed pilgrim
Later

South Africa - Day 4

Unless Rachel is up late partying with the South Africans, she should have been in bed a while ago. Today she was scheduled to meet with Crossroads Young Adults & Bethany Ladies at Naidoos. Knowing her, she very well could still be up talking to the Ladies and encouraging them. She does that at times. She better gets some sleep though, she has a full day tomorrow.

Wake up this morning and it is absolutely beautiful outside. The birds are singing and the sun is shining with a warm spring breeze. It is nearly 73*F outside today! In the middle of March, I'll take it. Perfect day to go for a walk or ride my bike. And that is exactly what I did - rode to work.

Days like these are perfect for sitting outside and simply enjoying God's creation at its finest. Spring is a time for new life and new beginnings. Where last year is forgotten and something new can take life and grow. Even now I can hear the frogs chirping nearby as I sit on my back porch. Everything is coming alive again - I am thoroughly enjoying it.

It addition to it being a beautiful day outside, I found another note from Rachel today. I went into the bathroom to clean up after my ride home and this is what I found:

Kyle was downstairs at the time, and I felt like it was about time I asked. So, waving the note in my hand I said, "Do you have anything to do with theses?" showing him the note. He replied with a smile that said yes, "No, of course not."

He admitted to places the notes over the last couple of days, but I still have no idea how he got them without me knowing about them. At first I thought Rachel gave them to Rick and then to Kyle, but when I asked he said that wasn't the case. He got them by some other means, and I will figure it out! I still have twelve more days...

Blessings from a bike riding pilgrim
Later

South Africa - Day 3

11am -
By the time I woke up this morning Rachel and the Chamber Singers had already been awake for roughly 9 hours - I haven't even had breakfast yet. She had likely already had lunch and started to think about dinner and started to enjoy the weather down there. 75F and sunny! Today is their relax and recovery day when they spend the day on the beach and enjoy the sun. I wake up and it is 50F and raining... Even though she had to fly for 16 hours, I still think she got the better end of the deal.

When I finally did get out of bed I expected to see my roommate already gone with a note lying somewhere around, but he also slept in. No note to be found either. Disappointed, I got some tea, read my bible and got things together for the day. Then it hit me... What if the note was in the car! I went out side and looked. Nothing. I did find my water bottle though - it was under the seat.

I went back inside and finished reading for the morning. Kyle finally got up and left - he was late for a meeting because he forgot to set his alarm. He was quick to get going and not be even more late than he was. If he is responsible for the notes (which I think he is), I didn't think he would have the time to place one this morning. Yet, the whole time I am looking on him for some kind of note or envelop with notes in them. I didn't see anything. Maybe tonight...

I get in the car, not excited about the day. As I am about to turn the keys I see something on my windshield. A 3x5 card! This would be number 4 if you count the two I got the first day. This placement was very creative, I am sure they will get more exciting as the days progress. I wish I would have thought of something cool like this to do for her. I just managed to get a letter out in time, and I don't even know if she got it before she left.

10pm -
My day is coming to an end and her's will start in roughly two hours - three if she sleeps in longer than the sun. It is so strange being on different sides of the planet, make me feel small.

When I was younger I thought that people on the other side of the earth experienced history faster than we did. I imagined that they knew how my Saturday would go because they already experienced their Saturday. Strange thought, I know.

The last couple of days I have learned a little bit about attitude, and how an attitude can shape your day or even a week. It started when Rachel left, I decided I would have a good attitude and a prayerful attitude about her being away. The notes have helped, but having an appropriate for a situation makes a world of difference. Just by making those decisions in my attitude I have seen a difference in the last couple of days.

Toward to end of today I got some news that I might not be able to see Rachel as soon as I was planning. Apparently there might be some responsibilities at work that I won't be able to take work off for. This is not my favorite news.

Blessings all
Later

South Africa - Day 2

As I am writing this Rachel is sleeping, 7 hours ahead of me, 9 ahead of family and other friends. She has already performed at least on concert, possibly two and is starting to adjust to the time difference. The forecast for the week looked sunny with a high near 85F. Given her personality I know that she has likely already tried to share the gospel with people (Even on the plane) and is taking every opportunity to get to know and encourage people. I am excited to her about what God does through her and to her on account of this trip. I don't doubt it will be anything less than... something really great. Yeah.

Anyways, the funny story on the table now is these note cards that have started to show up. Yesterday morning I was working on my lesson in my room and went down stairs to take a short break and get a glass of water ("wooder" as Rachel would say it.). I ran into my roommate briefly and then went back up starts. I was only gone for 3 minutes, tops. When I get back to my computer I find two hand-written note cards on my keyboard. I immediately recognized the hand-writing as Rachel's and was stoked to have them and read them. So I did. They were very simple notes about something she appreciated about me written on 3x5 cards. Then it dawned on me... Where did they come from?! I was only gone a minute or two and Kyle doesn't go in my room, and even he did - how did he get the notes to Rachel and onto my computer without me noticing?! I freaked out for a good 5 minutes at least. It totally ruined my train of thought.

At first I attributed it to my lack of memory or something magical. Maybe I pulled them out and forgot to put them away. Maybe they feel out of the letter she wrote me and I didn't notice. Anything could have been possible I thought. "Whatever" I thought, "I have the notes and I am very thankful that they appeared to me some how." With a grin on my face I tried to get back to work as best I could all the while trying to figure out some kind of reasoning behind the whole thing.

Today came and went without much to report. I had my normal learning experience working in ministry and dealing with students, otherwise nothing exciting. Their were times, both last night and today, that I would have really enjoyed having Rachel around to help me with things. There are just certain ministry opportunities that a guy should not take alone. Those are the times I think of Rachel. Also when something cool or exciting happens, because then I wish she could experience it with me (Because a story is never as good as the experience). To be honest though, I just think of her a lot and this trip is only increasing it. Example: I would look at the clock every couple of hours and think about what she might be doing over there and how I could be praying for her.

Later on today, on my way through door into my house I think to myself "I am not sure how those notes came from Rachel, but knowing her I should have another one waiting for me when I get inside." The first thing I do is look on the table - nothing. I look through the mail, sometimes she likes to hide them - still nothing. I looked by the chair I normally sit in - a letter for Kyle, but no note for me. I run upstairs to my room and nothing. Then I see my pillow - A note! I drop everything from both body and mind and read. It is another note about what she appreciates about me written on a 3x5 card in blurry pencil. I was glad to say the least.

Now it is going to be a game about where to look for them and when they will "appear". I am excited! I will have to start thinking of ways to show my appreciate in return. Hopefully I can think of something... This is hard to beat though. Magical appearing note cards is hard to top.

I was thinking the other day about how blessed I have been in different areas of my life and my relationship is no exception. Gosh, I am so thankful. Anyways....

Blessings from an appreciative pilgrim
Later

South Africa - Day 1

Rachel and the Chamber Singers left for South Africa this morning at 3:30am from JFK in NY. As I am writing this her plan is taking off or is already flying. It is a 16 hour flight with a 7 hour time change. She will down there for 17 days, involved in nearly 20 concerts or school programs, working with 2 different youth groups and traveling between at least 3 larger cities. I am so jealous right now.

The furthest I have ever gone out of the country is Canada by about 3-4 hours. Hardly counts. We were still in the same time zone for goodness sake. Going to South Africa sounds way more exciting!

Even thought Rachel and I are normally apart because of school and the internship, it was still incredibly hard to say "See you later" the last time we talked. I think it has to do with the greater distance that is going to be between us for the next 17 days, something that I can't change by driving a few hours. Another thing that I think made parting difficult is not knowing what she will be doing, and not being able to share in the experiences with her.

When she was at school I could relate to the experiences that she was having and have a general idea of what she was doing each day. Every know and then she would throw me a curve ball, but overall her schedule was pretty consistent. Now, she is going to be doing and seeing things I have never seen and going places I can only imagine. She is going to meet people I will likely never meet and she will laugh at jokes I will never get because "You had to be there". And the list goes on of all the reason I am not a fan of the next 17 days. It would be unfair, though, not to list all the reason I am excite for her though.

Unless I were to write a short novel I don't think I could accurately/fully explain why I am excited for her to go to South Africa, but I will write a short attempt... I believe that the Bible describes Christ giving up everything for the good of the church. His comforts, His wants and desires so that He can bring great benefit to the church. The Bible also communicate that a husband is to love his wife like to church, giving up his wants, desires and at times needs for the benefit of his wife. In so doing the husband reflects to love Christ has for the people in the church. I am just getting a head start and practicing while she and I date and are engaged. (That is the short version)

I am excite for Rachel because this is going to be challenging her in ways that should would have never imagines. She is going to be completely out of her comfort zone; she is going to be very uncomfortable at times as she learns a whole new culture. She will have to rely on God in faith in ways she has not before and her faith will be stretched in new ways and she will grow in her relationship with Christ. Because the people over their see things differently, they will likely see God differently - She will learn to see God differently (God is the same, but sometimes we get stuck thinking of him the same way all the time. A different culture will bring a different perspective). Lastly, I just am excited because I think she is going to have a blast of a good time!

As excited as I am though, I will be even more excited to see her again when she comes back. I know she will have hundreds of stories to tell, pictures to show and things to explain, but I will be most excited just to see her again. I sure do like her a lot.

Blessings from a sappy pilgrim,
Later

Fatherless

I called up my grandparents yesterday before my Skype date with Rachel. I am not really sure why I called other than to say hello and check up on them, they are old you know. I love them both very dearly, and I want to make sure they are doing well and they know I am doing well. Sometimes the most caring thing you can do for someone is let them care for you, especially if they are a parent or grandparent. They love to love you!

So, a few days ago I was curious about my family and did a little bit of research. I know my parents, my grand parents and even the names of my great grandparents. I do know, nor have I ever heard of my great-great grandparents. My grandpa's grandpa. So, being the person that I am, I asked about him when I called my grandpa. Turns out he doesn't know much or anything about him either. He died in a fishing accident when my great grandpa was still very young. My grandpa never heard much about him, he could hardly remember his name.

The more I talked with him, the more I realized this might be a very important piece of information. Mind you, this is all speculation or theory, but I think it could be something. This is what I think...
Great-great grandpa, Cornelius(we think), died leaving my great grandpa, Clarence, without a dad. Since he grew up without a dad, he had to go to work at age 12 to support the family leaving my grandpa, Bob, without a huge fatherly influence. I could only imagine that growing up without a dad would make being one rather difficult, which is probably the situation my grandpa was in with my own dad. Not having or being a good dad has an influence, even to the fourth and fifth generations. Speculation mind you...

I don't know about you, might I don't want this to continue any more. I want to be a good... or even great father. I want to be there for my kids, even if I have not all that good. I believe even the presences of a father figure can make a positive influence. Dads are so important, I don't want to see my family line go through another generation without a good dad. It starts now and it starts with me.

Since I am not a father yet, I will continue to be a good son. I believe God can redeem anything for his glory, even a generation past. As I become a better son, my dad can become a better father and together we can change things! I am just sick of people and families not have dads. It really gets to me!

Changing topics...
Rachel and I Skyped for possibly the last time before she leaves for South Africa. It could very well be 20 days before I see or hear from her again.... Yeah. Kind of bummed about that. To be honest though, I am more excited than bummed. She is going to freaking SOUTH AFRICA!!! I want to go! I can only pray that she has an awesome time and learns a lot. 20 days without Rachel is a sacrifice for sure, but God is going to do something in those 20 days that I cannot even imagine. I am so excited for stories and pictures and all kinds of other things that happen when a person leaves on a crazy trip for 20 days.

As I mentioned in previous entries, Rachel and I have little idea of what is coming next. I could make some guesses, but I honestly have no idea. God has something incredible worked up his sleeve (Does God have sleeves?), and I am just eager to see what it is. Jokingly (but seriously), we could go anywhere. We are still young and stupid, nothing to hold us here other than family (we don't talk much, but I think about them often. I love them a whole lot).

I talked with someone on Monday about his going to South Sudan. He has a heart for that place, he wants to move over there and start some kind of ministry for the Lost Boys of Sudan. He shared pictures and stories of his visit and what needs they have. I didn't even know what to feel or think, there was just such a great need. I just knew something had to change. The more he talked, I'll be honest, the more I wouldn't mind joining their family down there - I love helping people. We both sat there with the same problem before us... We have no clue what the future holds! We both could make crazy plans to help a hurting country or start a church or something, but God ultimately has the plan. He doesn't even know if going to South Sudan can happen, or if anything can happen for that matter. He told me, "Jeremy, I am the guy with answers and numbers and the plan... But I have nothing! I don't even know if this thing could work at all. I am just moving forward until God closes the door or until we get over there"

Then God, with his perfect timing has me reading in Deuteronomy this week. The people of Israel are coming out of their wandering and are presented with the promise land. The odds are stacked against them and they don't even have a plan. They have never even seen the land before. They have no idea what the future holds! They are as lost as my friend and I when it comes to doing ministry! They have no clue what is going on! So what does God say to these stubborn people who always think they need a plan?

¹² “Now, Israel, what does the LORD your God require from you, but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all His ways and love Him, and to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, ¹³ and to keep the LORD’S commandments and His statutes which I am commanding you today for your good? ¹⁴ Behold, to the LORD your God belong heaven and the ^[d]highest heavens, the earth and all that is in it. (Deuteronomy 10)

 The freeing truth of following God is that I do not need a plan. I just need to love, serve and obey God as He leads the way. So we'll just take it one day at a time and see where God leads

Blessings
Later

Fear or not to fear

As I look at my life this morning I can very easily become overwhelmed by the complexity and the uncertainty of what is to come. From a financial stand point alone I am perplexed by how God will work things out. In addition to that I am also getting married, starting to live on my own, taking on more responsibilities, different relationships I am concerned about, and many other things. There is a lot that I am afraid about, that brings a sense of fear into my life. I just don't know what is going to happen or how things will work out in the end.

I am worried and afraid. Yet the command most given in the bible is "Do not fear." God consistently tells His people not to fear the circumstances that they are facing. Whether it be a burning bush, Jesus walking on water or the great unknown of what the future hold. God commanded again and again not to fear the circumstances. What God does tell us to fear is Him. In the beginning parts of Deuteronomy the command to fear appears about just as many times as the command not to fear. The difference: God wants us to fear Him, not the circumstance that He will bring us through.

I had a very important meeting yesterday about a possible job. I was hoping that I would get a definitive answer as to whether I would get the job or not, but that wasn't the outcome. The door wasn't shut, nor was it wide open. It was merely unlocked and left cracked open. As my internship comes to a close and a income becomes a higher priority, I begin to fear being jobless. Not being able to provide for myself and Rachel when we get married terrifies me. But God says, "Do not fear"? Should I fear? I would think not being able to provide for my wife is a big deal, something that I should fear. Yet, even that is a circumstance. God desires us to fear Him, not circumstance.

So as I process through life this morning I take into account the one thing God commands me to fear is Him. As I fear (or a better way to think about it, respect or reverence Him), all other fear will diminish or life will work itself out according to his great plan. Another way I have heard it communicated is this, "Love God and do what comes next" The simple truth, as I order my life in respect to a powerful God there is a better outcome than to submit to fear.

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

A punch in the arm

The last couple of days have been crazy, far more memorable than I would have thought. I am still not sure if that is a good thing or not. I drove out to my college with some students to visit Rachel and see her perform in the spring play. She did fantastic. She had a smaller part, but nailed it. I nearly cried a couple of times, it was very powerful. 

The students also really enjoyed the visit to the campus and the college experience. They said it really impacted their lives. We had the opportunity to sit in on a few classes, eat meals with students and enjoy the campus life for a day. We ended our trip with ice cream (and frozen fruit for Rachel and I). The group of students, Rachel and a few others all went down to the local ice cream place and got something to eat.

Something had been building up that finally came to a head at the ice cream shop. One of the students that I brought with me had been joking around about Rachel over the course of the weekend, and it was nagging on me. At first he just mentioned "the cute looking girl in the play" and then made further commented on what she was wearing or how she looked. I should have said that I was getting annoyed or angry, but I made the fault to think I could control my anger. I thought he was done until at the ice cream place he made another comment that pushed my patience to far. I let my emotions get the better of me and slip. 

I punched the kid in the arm. I realized I might have punched him harder than I wanted when he crippled over in pain and started to cry. Regardless of whether I hit him hard or not, I am the one at fault. I would have to bear the consequence or my sin. My lack of self-control. His friends communicated that he was joking, but the reality still hit just as hard. I could lose my job over this, or be imprisoned for something just as playful.

Later when I talked with his parents, the reality again stuck home. The student was okay, but the father said that he could have very easily pressed charges against me. No matter what I say, no matter what really even happened. I am at fault.

Through this whole process I learned the importance of defusing my anger instead of controlling it. I have a long fuse, but it will still go off with enough time and provoking. I need to figure out ways to defuse my anger or address the situation in such a way that I cannot be at fault. One example that I was given: tell the individual that you are getting annoyed and would like them to stop. That is something that I did not do which could have stopped the whole thing. I am still learning....