I am currently sitting the cafe at church as I type this blog entry. I have roughly 25 days before I walk at graduation, 40 days until I am "officially done" with my internship, 123 days until I get married, and I am sure a whole lot of other things before then too. Oh yeah, moving out on my own, that is about 50-60 days away. That is going to be rough. The first time I have really lived on my own. Hopefully by then I can know where Rachel and I will be staying, because I would rather not have to move twice in one year if I can avoid it.
When I think about everything that is going to be happening over the next 6 months alone it terrifies me. I have never not had some kind of school to do, or had a place to stay. I have no idea how to be a grown up person and live on my own! I am still working on the groceries thing - it is harder than you might think. Then add to all of that the idea of getting married and possibly starting a family!? That is for people who know what is going on, not me! I have no clue how all of this is going to work out or what is going to need to take place for me to support Rachel like I should.
Did I mention that I am terrified? Because I am. Almost to the point that it paralyzes me. Almost.
I had mentioned Joshua yesterday and the principles of Leadership. There is something else about Joshua that I have find great encouragement from. When you think about everything that was resting on his shoulders, it is overwhelming. He had the entire nation of Israel (I think it was roughly a half million people or more) waiting on his command to move forward into the promise land. They look to him as a leader, and as the one who would receive the word of the Lord. Additionally he had his own household to care for and I am sure many other things. His job description isn't one that a lot of people could fill, nor would they want to fill it. He was following after Moses, one of the greatest leaders the world has ever know and a true prophet of God. These were not easy shoes to fill.
I don't know about you, but my list of responsibilities just got a whole lot shorted in comparison to what Joshua had going for him. I think if at any point he tried to rely on his own strength and wisdom he would have surely become overwhelmed with what God was asking of him. If he looked into the promise land and thought about how he was going to rule over the nations, I am sure he would have been terrified, too. They greatly out numbered and out sized them on all accounts, Israel didn't stand a chance in human terms.
All that is "If" he relied on his own strength and if he saw things from a human perspective. But records don't show Joshua thinking according to that frame of mind, he trust in the Lord who delivered them from the world power of the day without even using a sword - Egypt by the way of the Red Sea. Joshua saw the many nations as a small thing for God, something he could easily take care of with or without swords.
When it came to fear and failure, Joshua had neither. He knew that as he followed God, there was no option for failure and no reason to fear. Many others trembled at the sight of those in the promise land, but Joshua trusted in the promise of the Lord who said the He would fight for them and bring them into the land. God would drive out all the other nations and go into the battlefield before Israel. Joshua understood that he could not enter the promise land on his own strength, but it was God alone that brought them into the land. As he and the nation trusted and followed God, the were able to enter the promise land. When they thought they could fight the nations on the own or disobeyed God, things went bad for Israel.
So when you stand back and think about it. Entering the promise land wasn't that difficult at all for the nation Israel. All they had to do was trust in God's promise and obey His commands to serve Him and no foreign gods. God took care of the rest. It is no wonder God told the people time and time again, "Fear not." Because their was really no reason to fear as long as they trusted in God.
When it comes to entering my own "promise land", it could be very terrifying to think about. But the same God that brought Israel into the promise land through Joshua, is the God that will fight for me. I simply have to trust in His promises to care and provide for me, and not serve other "foreign gods" (such as self, money, skills, resources or anything else). That is it. No so terrifying now, is it?
Blessing from a pilgrim that is trying to follow the God who is bigger than his problems.
Later
Simply a pilgrim, looking for that city whose builder and maker is God, who enjoys bringing others along on the journey.
Showing posts with label Learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Learning. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Joshua - Leadership
I was thinking about Joshua on the ride back from work today and I realized he is a model of leadership. I know that I should have picked this up before, but I just occurred to me that he dealt with the same situation that I am dealing with and was able to allow God to over come it.
Regardless of my situation, the principle is people will not follow their leader if he himself is not willing to go. Though most will follow at if he is willing to go, even more will follow if he is willing to go alone. The last aspect of Joshua's leadership is that he did not even go of his own strength, he trusted God to lead him.
Even though odds were stacked against him and many did not believe it were possible, he trusted God to deliver them into the promise land.
Simply a pilgrim, trying to find his way.
Later
Regardless of my situation, the principle is people will not follow their leader if he himself is not willing to go. Though most will follow at if he is willing to go, even more will follow if he is willing to go alone. The last aspect of Joshua's leadership is that he did not even go of his own strength, he trusted God to lead him.
Even though odds were stacked against him and many did not believe it were possible, he trusted God to deliver them into the promise land.
6 Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.
9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”God, I am not strong enough to go into the land that you have promised for me. I cannot fight the enemy on my own strength nor do I have the courage to stand on my own. Lord, I ask that you would lead me into the promise land, fight the enemies before me in my life, and give me the courage to stand under your leadership.
Simply a pilgrim, trying to find his way.
Later
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Vision casting
As much as I didn't want to I got up to go run this morning. Nothing spectacular, but it was a good run regardless. During my time running and biking are some of my best thoughts. I have nothing else to besides look at the road and remember to keep breathing, so it provides for some good thinking and reflection. I will share with you the one that I had this morning.
The thought is: I will only go as far as I cast my vision
Before I even started running I had to decide how far I would go and what route I would take. It was then that I realized that I would go as far as I planned to go - and not much further. If I planned to run 1.5 miles, that would be all the further I would go. If I planned to fun 3 miles. I would run 3 miles... Granted, for some people it is different and they can just keep running. But for me, I need to set a vision for myself instead of just going till I get tried (which isn't very far). That is what I did, I set out to run around the neighborhood and then ran around the neighborhood. This all seems rather simple, but the real importance of this find is in the spiritual aspect.
As I look at my own spiritual growth and spirituality in general, I notice that I approach it the same way I approached running. I will only push myself until I get tired or found something else to do, and with this weak flesh it isn't long before I give in. So, much like running this morning, I need to cast a vision that exceeds my ability and then chase after it in the power of the Holy Spirit. If I continue to set my goals only as far as I am able I will not grow or be challenged.
That is about as far as the thought got.
Blessings
Later
The thought is: I will only go as far as I cast my vision
Before I even started running I had to decide how far I would go and what route I would take. It was then that I realized that I would go as far as I planned to go - and not much further. If I planned to run 1.5 miles, that would be all the further I would go. If I planned to fun 3 miles. I would run 3 miles... Granted, for some people it is different and they can just keep running. But for me, I need to set a vision for myself instead of just going till I get tried (which isn't very far). That is what I did, I set out to run around the neighborhood and then ran around the neighborhood. This all seems rather simple, but the real importance of this find is in the spiritual aspect.
As I look at my own spiritual growth and spirituality in general, I notice that I approach it the same way I approached running. I will only push myself until I get tired or found something else to do, and with this weak flesh it isn't long before I give in. So, much like running this morning, I need to cast a vision that exceeds my ability and then chase after it in the power of the Holy Spirit. If I continue to set my goals only as far as I am able I will not grow or be challenged.
That is about as far as the thought got.
Blessings
Later
Monday, December 12, 2011
Break hearts and bones
I wrote a story awhile ago about how God showed up in my life and what that meant for me. A story about an unrelenting God of love and mercy that came into my life to forgive my screwed up life and give me joy. Today I want to share with you another chapter of my life and my journey toward knowing God.
Much like every other person at the age of 18, I went to school, had a job, and I was involved in youth group here and there. I knew God, I went to church and I read my bible - "is there anything else to this Christian thing?" I thought to myself. I looked around me and I didn't really see a problem with my life or how I was living. There were times when I felt far from God or when I sinned pretty bad, but I figured that is what forgiveness is for anyways. Not only that, but from my perspective I wasn't half as bad as some of the other kids in youth group. But I knew in my mind wasn't what it should be. I was holding something from God, a part of my life that I loved more than Him.
I hated it... and loved it at the same time. It needed to leave my life, but I didn't think I could have lived without it. I tried to stop so many times, to break the habit and free myself from the sin that enslaved me, but was only met by disappointment. There was a constant battle going on in me, and every time I would lose. I hated myself, and I hated the life that I was living. I called myself a Christian, but that felt like a joke... No good christian would feel as separated from God as I did. I felt like I couldn't even ask him forgiveness any more. I would only go back to my selfish lifestyle and seek to please myself. I wasn't pleasing God, and I know that I wasn't kidding him either. I was a mess and we both knew it.
There came a point when I gave up. An event came into my life and I didn't respond the way that I should have and blow it. The separation that I felt from God was killing me and I couldn't handle it anymore. At that point something needed to happen, and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way! But the reality was I had already tired so many times before to save myself and I just fell again. I couldn't do it any more, and so I just gave up. I simply said, "God I can't do this anymore, I am a wreck and so is my life. I have played the game long enough and it is killing me. I have tried to save myself from my sin but I can't, and I am done trying to - you need to do it or it is never going to happen. Take my life and do what you want with it, because I am done."
I went home that night and God put something inside of me. I knew that I had to do everything I could to rid myself my distraction and pursue God. It was everything or nothing. I was going to take every step I could to pursue God. I broke hearts, and I think I would have broken bones if the occasion called for it. I wanted to have a closeness to God, I wanted to joy and peace that He promised. I was sick and tired of the joke of a life that I had. I was done!
God call people to deal radically with sin. He does not want half-hearted followers, but people that will go to great lengths to be with Him. I thought that night that I would break hearts and bones to be with Him, and I think that is the attitude that Christians should have all the time when it comes to sins.
Later
Much like every other person at the age of 18, I went to school, had a job, and I was involved in youth group here and there. I knew God, I went to church and I read my bible - "is there anything else to this Christian thing?" I thought to myself. I looked around me and I didn't really see a problem with my life or how I was living. There were times when I felt far from God or when I sinned pretty bad, but I figured that is what forgiveness is for anyways. Not only that, but from my perspective I wasn't half as bad as some of the other kids in youth group. But I knew in my mind wasn't what it should be. I was holding something from God, a part of my life that I loved more than Him.
I hated it... and loved it at the same time. It needed to leave my life, but I didn't think I could have lived without it. I tried to stop so many times, to break the habit and free myself from the sin that enslaved me, but was only met by disappointment. There was a constant battle going on in me, and every time I would lose. I hated myself, and I hated the life that I was living. I called myself a Christian, but that felt like a joke... No good christian would feel as separated from God as I did. I felt like I couldn't even ask him forgiveness any more. I would only go back to my selfish lifestyle and seek to please myself. I wasn't pleasing God, and I know that I wasn't kidding him either. I was a mess and we both knew it.
There came a point when I gave up. An event came into my life and I didn't respond the way that I should have and blow it. The separation that I felt from God was killing me and I couldn't handle it anymore. At that point something needed to happen, and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way! But the reality was I had already tired so many times before to save myself and I just fell again. I couldn't do it any more, and so I just gave up. I simply said, "God I can't do this anymore, I am a wreck and so is my life. I have played the game long enough and it is killing me. I have tried to save myself from my sin but I can't, and I am done trying to - you need to do it or it is never going to happen. Take my life and do what you want with it, because I am done."
I went home that night and God put something inside of me. I knew that I had to do everything I could to rid myself my distraction and pursue God. It was everything or nothing. I was going to take every step I could to pursue God. I broke hearts, and I think I would have broken bones if the occasion called for it. I wanted to have a closeness to God, I wanted to joy and peace that He promised. I was sick and tired of the joke of a life that I had. I was done!
God call people to deal radically with sin. He does not want half-hearted followers, but people that will go to great lengths to be with Him. I thought that night that I would break hearts and bones to be with Him, and I think that is the attitude that Christians should have all the time when it comes to sins.
(Don't misunderstand: Being perfect does not get you into heaven, being forgiven does. No amount of removing sin can save you, only Christ can.)If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell.
~Matthew 5:29-30~
Later
Monday, November 14, 2011
Fall retreat
Here is another recap over the past week. It seems like it has been a longer week than normal, but I think that is just because of everything that happened. I have seen snow, my sister, a concert, a movie, and finished fall retreat, and a long lot of other things in the course of the last week. So, in some sense of order, I will fill you in about what went down.
Sunday night (last week) we didn't have youth group, instead we went to a Mercy Me concert with a bunch of the students. concerts are very loud, and this one is no exception. I ended up going out to my car and grabbing ear plugs (I am a loser, I know). I am very glad that I went though, it is always fun to hang out with friends
During the concert I talked a few different people about whether it was going to be possible to have my sister come out for the following weekend. Talked with one person, then called a different one to rely information and then first one again to confirm. It got kind of tricky. At one point I was texting two people and calling a third all at the same time.The conclusion: my mom drove my sister out for the weekend. I really wanted my Dad to come out, but I wasn't going to press the issue. The important thing was to get my sister out here, and that happened. Anything more would have been bonus. Next time.
Monday night I went to my last Men's Bible study for a while. I wish I could keep going, I enjoy and value hanging out with the guys there, but my schedule for this week isn't going to make that very likely. I hope to start going again soon. The really bad new is that Chris and I won't be meeting for the next few weeks either. I am gone this week and he is gone next week, and I am not sure about the week after that. Maybe we'll meet up on Sunday after church one of these weeks.
Tuesday I had a meeting with the teaching pastor of the church, Rick Duncan, about recruiting him an intern for the next year. At least, that was the intention of the meeting. It turned out to be more a lesson of different kinds of ministry leaders than about interns. He compares them to a car designer, a car builder, a mechanic, and a restorer - each one loves cars but in vastly different ways. Pastors are somewhat similar.
Wednesday night Small group with the students was a lot of fun. Since we didn't have impact on the weekend we took advantage of small group time to hangout and have fun. We watch Inception, ate popcorn and pizza and built some common experiences. I think it is very valuable to just have time to hang out with one another and be among friends.
Thursday I had Joe D over to my office to work on the lesson for Epic. He is a great guy, and I am always thankful for his encouraging attitude. He doesn't complain or argue, and is always willing to help. When I told him that I wouldn't be there this week he just smiled and said, "okay" like it is no big deal. No excuses, he is great. This weeks lesson is about encouraging one another in the Lord and how we find encouragement in Christ's return.
Friday night started fall retreat! Also, my sister came in Friday night. Between grabbing Pizza and dropping my sister off at the High School Girl's house, and everything else I totally forgot my toothbrush for the weekend. I choose the Middle School boys house for the night - what a night. Boys crying left and right over toys and who hit who first. I am confident this is the only group that cried. Discussion didn't happen because they were all way to excited to sit still and sleeping nearly didn't happen either. Lights out at 11:30pm - I didn't get to bed until nearly 2am. Farting noises, kids getting drinks of water, and talking in general made sleep elusive.
All this faded as a memory with the coming of breakfast Saturday Morning. Homemade french toast, hash browns, fresh fruit, and orange juice. I was stuffed, but I just kept eating, it was so good. I don't know if I would do it all again, but I would surely eat breakfast again.
We broke from there and ended to the church to regroup before going to the work sites for the day. Other than a few minor things, everything went off without a hitch. The high school went down town and the middle school went into the closer neighbor hoods. We helped those that needed help and got done way faster than I thought we would. The middleschool group played football with our free time, and I took advantage of the time to spend with my sister.
We talked about church back home, and about the family. We talked about life and friends, and just caught up. I love her so much and am so glad that she got to come out and visit even for just a little while.
Saturday night she left to head home and I went and finished my paper for school. I learned that night that I am very grumpy when I am tired, making me a mean boyfriend. I didn't yell or anything, but I wasn't that nice either. I got demanding, controlling, and just grumpy. Rachel, also tired at this point didn't enjoy my mood, but was very gracious towards me and helped with my paper. The next day apologize were in order, and everything is forgiven. I don't enjoy those interactions, but they make for a strong relationship if you can get through them. The trick is to deal with them and don't let them build.
Sunday morning came much faster than I thought it would, and I found myself grasping for time. I haven't had a chance to read my bible in two days as this point - adding to the grumpiness - and didn't find any time through Sunday. church went well in the morning and the rest of the day got spent on preparing for the evening. The student leadership team took over for Impact that night, I watched the youngsters while Rick and Joe facilitated parent equip in the next room over. Three nights in a row dealing with kids... I saw myself grumpier than I normally get and now realize that I need to be sure to get sleep next time I have to do something like this.
Sunday night I talked with Rachel and we figured out the plan for Thanksgiving and a little bit about the next week. I am very excited to see her and be with her face to face. Phone conversations are great, but nothing is quite like a conversation in person. We also started working on a project to figure out what I am supposed to do next - after this internship that is. I think I will post about that later.
Now it is Monday afternoon. I have spent some time reading the Bible, got stuff together for the week at BBC, set up a few interviews for rick, and read some of my homework for the day. It is going to be a great week away and I am excited to see some old friends.
Blessings from a pilgrim
Later
Sunday night (last week) we didn't have youth group, instead we went to a Mercy Me concert with a bunch of the students. concerts are very loud, and this one is no exception. I ended up going out to my car and grabbing ear plugs (I am a loser, I know). I am very glad that I went though, it is always fun to hang out with friends
During the concert I talked a few different people about whether it was going to be possible to have my sister come out for the following weekend. Talked with one person, then called a different one to rely information and then first one again to confirm. It got kind of tricky. At one point I was texting two people and calling a third all at the same time.The conclusion: my mom drove my sister out for the weekend. I really wanted my Dad to come out, but I wasn't going to press the issue. The important thing was to get my sister out here, and that happened. Anything more would have been bonus. Next time.
Monday night I went to my last Men's Bible study for a while. I wish I could keep going, I enjoy and value hanging out with the guys there, but my schedule for this week isn't going to make that very likely. I hope to start going again soon. The really bad new is that Chris and I won't be meeting for the next few weeks either. I am gone this week and he is gone next week, and I am not sure about the week after that. Maybe we'll meet up on Sunday after church one of these weeks.
Tuesday I had a meeting with the teaching pastor of the church, Rick Duncan, about recruiting him an intern for the next year. At least, that was the intention of the meeting. It turned out to be more a lesson of different kinds of ministry leaders than about interns. He compares them to a car designer, a car builder, a mechanic, and a restorer - each one loves cars but in vastly different ways. Pastors are somewhat similar.
Wednesday night Small group with the students was a lot of fun. Since we didn't have impact on the weekend we took advantage of small group time to hangout and have fun. We watch Inception, ate popcorn and pizza and built some common experiences. I think it is very valuable to just have time to hang out with one another and be among friends.
Thursday I had Joe D over to my office to work on the lesson for Epic. He is a great guy, and I am always thankful for his encouraging attitude. He doesn't complain or argue, and is always willing to help. When I told him that I wouldn't be there this week he just smiled and said, "okay" like it is no big deal. No excuses, he is great. This weeks lesson is about encouraging one another in the Lord and how we find encouragement in Christ's return.
Friday night started fall retreat! Also, my sister came in Friday night. Between grabbing Pizza and dropping my sister off at the High School Girl's house, and everything else I totally forgot my toothbrush for the weekend. I choose the Middle School boys house for the night - what a night. Boys crying left and right over toys and who hit who first. I am confident this is the only group that cried. Discussion didn't happen because they were all way to excited to sit still and sleeping nearly didn't happen either. Lights out at 11:30pm - I didn't get to bed until nearly 2am. Farting noises, kids getting drinks of water, and talking in general made sleep elusive.
All this faded as a memory with the coming of breakfast Saturday Morning. Homemade french toast, hash browns, fresh fruit, and orange juice. I was stuffed, but I just kept eating, it was so good. I don't know if I would do it all again, but I would surely eat breakfast again.
We broke from there and ended to the church to regroup before going to the work sites for the day. Other than a few minor things, everything went off without a hitch. The high school went down town and the middle school went into the closer neighbor hoods. We helped those that needed help and got done way faster than I thought we would. The middleschool group played football with our free time, and I took advantage of the time to spend with my sister.
We talked about church back home, and about the family. We talked about life and friends, and just caught up. I love her so much and am so glad that she got to come out and visit even for just a little while.
Saturday night she left to head home and I went and finished my paper for school. I learned that night that I am very grumpy when I am tired, making me a mean boyfriend. I didn't yell or anything, but I wasn't that nice either. I got demanding, controlling, and just grumpy. Rachel, also tired at this point didn't enjoy my mood, but was very gracious towards me and helped with my paper. The next day apologize were in order, and everything is forgiven. I don't enjoy those interactions, but they make for a strong relationship if you can get through them. The trick is to deal with them and don't let them build.
Sunday morning came much faster than I thought it would, and I found myself grasping for time. I haven't had a chance to read my bible in two days as this point - adding to the grumpiness - and didn't find any time through Sunday. church went well in the morning and the rest of the day got spent on preparing for the evening. The student leadership team took over for Impact that night, I watched the youngsters while Rick and Joe facilitated parent equip in the next room over. Three nights in a row dealing with kids... I saw myself grumpier than I normally get and now realize that I need to be sure to get sleep next time I have to do something like this.
Sunday night I talked with Rachel and we figured out the plan for Thanksgiving and a little bit about the next week. I am very excited to see her and be with her face to face. Phone conversations are great, but nothing is quite like a conversation in person. We also started working on a project to figure out what I am supposed to do next - after this internship that is. I think I will post about that later.
Now it is Monday afternoon. I have spent some time reading the Bible, got stuff together for the week at BBC, set up a few interviews for rick, and read some of my homework for the day. It is going to be a great week away and I am excited to see some old friends.
Blessings from a pilgrim
Later
Monday, November 7, 2011
Running Away
I good friend of mine ran away from home the other day. He lived to tell me about it.
He ended up going home after about 2 hours. Yet the situation does not come as weird, the emotions behind such drastic measures are familiar to me. I have ran away once or twice. In the same fashion it was only for an hour or so, and then I came back, but I thought about leaving for good. I still think about that today, even when I am away from home, and away from my family. There are events in my life that hurt, people that don't care, and situations that I would rather not deal with. These things in my life that just get under my skin and make me want to leave. I don't know where I would go most of the time, but I think anywhere is better than where I am now. It gets so frustrating that it makes me want to scream! or worse... If not for the Holy Spirit in me, only God knows what I would do. Nothing good I would imagine.
I have to ask the question though, "why shouldn't I run away?" What really is keeping me here? If the situation and people frustrate me so much that I want to scream, why on earth should I have to put up with it? What is the benefit of staying in a harmful situation, a stressful environment, or in a place that no one even loves or cares about me. Seriously, God! why bother? Why do I stick it out? what is the point of putting up with my parents, with people bully me, or supposed "friends" that put me down all the time. I have had days what I don't even think people would have noticed that I left.
Actually, I know they wouldn't notice. I have left for a whole day out in the woods and when I came back no one even knew I left (This only gave me more reason to leave). But something compelled me to come home - again and again I kept coming home. At first it was the simply fact that I couldn't leave because I was too young. But later I heard about Jesus. I might be crazy, but I would come home and face it - usually head on - sometimes every day of the week. An argument before dinner, and a late night fight and don't forget the weekend brawl. I honestly do wonder why we bother? Why don't we just run away from the pain or avoid the situation? But I think the answer is found in asking a slightly different question.
I talk about running away from problems or getting away from a situation, but I am also running to something. In my case I normally am trying to run from tension and run to peace, comfort or something like that. Who isn't trying to do this?
Jesus is a man that had every reason to run away almost all the time. If you look at His life He didn't have it easy. I am not even talking about the cross. I mean growing up, being around the disciples, and walking through His home town. His own parents forgot Him when He was younger. The people in His home town didn't respect Him or believe Him - including His brothers and friends. Whenever He went into a town it wasn't long before the popular or important people rejected him or threw out his idea. To be blunt about it, Jesus was a reject, very lonely, and put in some tough situations. If there were ever a reason to run away - Jesus had it. He doesn't though.
Instead of running away from problems and pain, He from heave to earth to faced them. He went into the problems and dealt with them. Instead of running away from the family that rejected Him, He loved them. Instead of finding new friends, he stuck it out with the twelve he had - even when they abandon Him He would forgive them. When His parents forgot Him, He stilled listened to them. When man turned on Him and kill Him, He forgives us and promises a way for us to be with Him.
Later
He ended up going home after about 2 hours. Yet the situation does not come as weird, the emotions behind such drastic measures are familiar to me. I have ran away once or twice. In the same fashion it was only for an hour or so, and then I came back, but I thought about leaving for good. I still think about that today, even when I am away from home, and away from my family. There are events in my life that hurt, people that don't care, and situations that I would rather not deal with. These things in my life that just get under my skin and make me want to leave. I don't know where I would go most of the time, but I think anywhere is better than where I am now. It gets so frustrating that it makes me want to scream! or worse... If not for the Holy Spirit in me, only God knows what I would do. Nothing good I would imagine.
I have to ask the question though, "why shouldn't I run away?" What really is keeping me here? If the situation and people frustrate me so much that I want to scream, why on earth should I have to put up with it? What is the benefit of staying in a harmful situation, a stressful environment, or in a place that no one even loves or cares about me. Seriously, God! why bother? Why do I stick it out? what is the point of putting up with my parents, with people bully me, or supposed "friends" that put me down all the time. I have had days what I don't even think people would have noticed that I left.
Actually, I know they wouldn't notice. I have left for a whole day out in the woods and when I came back no one even knew I left (This only gave me more reason to leave). But something compelled me to come home - again and again I kept coming home. At first it was the simply fact that I couldn't leave because I was too young. But later I heard about Jesus. I might be crazy, but I would come home and face it - usually head on - sometimes every day of the week. An argument before dinner, and a late night fight and don't forget the weekend brawl. I honestly do wonder why we bother? Why don't we just run away from the pain or avoid the situation? But I think the answer is found in asking a slightly different question.
I talk about running away from problems or getting away from a situation, but I am also running to something. In my case I normally am trying to run from tension and run to peace, comfort or something like that. Who isn't trying to do this?
Jesus is a man that had every reason to run away almost all the time. If you look at His life He didn't have it easy. I am not even talking about the cross. I mean growing up, being around the disciples, and walking through His home town. His own parents forgot Him when He was younger. The people in His home town didn't respect Him or believe Him - including His brothers and friends. Whenever He went into a town it wasn't long before the popular or important people rejected him or threw out his idea. To be blunt about it, Jesus was a reject, very lonely, and put in some tough situations. If there were ever a reason to run away - Jesus had it. He doesn't though.
Instead of running away from problems and pain, He from heave to earth to faced them. He went into the problems and dealt with them. Instead of running away from the family that rejected Him, He loved them. Instead of finding new friends, he stuck it out with the twelve he had - even when they abandon Him He would forgive them. When His parents forgot Him, He stilled listened to them. When man turned on Him and kill Him, He forgives us and promises a way for us to be with Him.
8 Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead, descended from David. This is my gospel, 9 for which I am suffering even to the point of being chained like a criminal. But God’s word is not chained. 10 Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory.This is why I don't run away. If I die trusting and following Jesus I will one day also live with Him. This is why I face the hard situation. Jesus stuck it out and promises that if I endure with Him that I can be with Him. This is why I stick it out. I like Paul endure everything so that others can receive forgiveness and be with Jesus too. It also says that if we disown Him, He will disown us - that is not a situation that I want to endure. It finally says that He is faithful meaning He cannot go back on his promises. So I choose the promise of dying and enduring with Him and living with Him. He promises forgiveness; what do you choose to do?
11 Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with him,
we will also live with him;
12 if we endure,
we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
he will also disown us;
13 if we are faithless,
he remains faithful,
for he cannot disown himself. (Paul to Timothy - II Tim 2:8-13)
Later
Monday, October 31, 2011
Not a Counselor
This past week has been very different than I would have expected it to be. Both in the process of the week and the outcome of events. I house sat for a family which turned out to be a great relationship builder with them, I went out to lunch at least three times with students, got a plan together for an after school program and a few other things. It has been a great week I would say.
As I was saying, I house sat for a family in the youth group while their mom is in the hospital. I only had to drop them off at school and/or make sure they got on the bus. I didn't think it was going to be that much of a deal to them. I was hoping for a little more trust/relationship building time with them, but I only got breakfast and dropping them off at school. God took that little amount of time and used it though, at the end of three or four days they came up and asked if I would want to go to a theme park with them, and I am able to easily engage them at youth group too. As this happened I realized that God can use even the smallest interaction for something great. Also, if you really care about something or someone, people (whether young or old) notice. This can be good or bad. This case happened to be good, and now they are beginning to trust me.
I was talking with someone the other day when I thought of something. Kids learn life lessons and morals not by being told, but by being shown. As much as we would like to believe otherwise, I think students and kids prefer to have something practical set before them to learn from, not just an abstract idea. Though I could be wrong and I am the exception and not the norm. The thought that I had stills remains. The Old Testament in the Bible is written mostly in stories or morals and beliefs, not abstract ideas about beliefs. The Old Testament functioned as Israel's History book, their story book and their book of Law. There wasn't a whole lot of abstract ideas of following God or believing in Him, but stories about people who have. This is why I think that stories are a great way to teach people an idea or concept. But that is the opinion of a "know it all" college student. I am sure when I graduate and no longer know everything that will change.
Tomorrow, Tuesday, the first of November! What happened to the year? The after school program is tomorrow, needless to say, I am pretty excited about going. I took a more active role and gave the teacher a little bit of a break. I need to start using my Youth Ministry degree in something, and this is something that I really enjoy. Joe D and I met on Friday to talk about what Epic (the after school program) might look like. We landed on "Fellowship" and the "one another" commands of the New Testament. There is roughly 13-16 different "one another" commands, and I think 14-15 weeks left of epic for the school year. Since it is a Christian fellowship type thing that meets, I thought the subject is fitting. The topic is easy enough that if one of the students wanted to teach they could, too. Pray for Epic and the students involved
I got to talk with my Dad on Friday for a while. I really enjoyed that. We talked about some of the things that I have posted on my blog and different things going on at home. I am very glad we had that conversation and I look forward to more in the future. Everything at home is still pretty normal - or I should say, the same. Nothing new is happening. Mom is mom, dad is dad, my sisters are still my sisters, and the world is still a mess. God has been working in my family though, and it is very cool to watch in retrospect what he has done. To name one: Shanyne is considering taking a listening class to help other hurting students in her High school. This would provide a great inlet for her to build relationship to ultimately share the love of Christ with people. Dad said she was excited about it. I don't blame her. I am excited for her. Pray for Shanyne as she seeks opportunity to love people
One of the times I went out for lunch this week I met with a student who's life isn't exactly heavenly. I have spent the last couple of weeks getting to know him and building a level of trust. Then this week I asked him some hard questions about what he is going though. When going through this time of situation, talking is the last thing someone wants to do, but it is one of the most valuable things. I gained a since of freedom from my pain when I talked about them. It's as if I acknowledged them and then could move on. I said it hurt me and that I was hurting, and for there I could begin healing. Being asked the hard questions myself I also was able to get to the bottom of my pain and see all the areas that I have been affected. Now I have the responsibility to help others to to the bottom of their pain as well. Pray for Anthony and I as we process through life and seek God in the midst of out hurt
(This is my opinion, I do not have a degree in counseling or anything of that nature. This is just my experience) People often refer to something like this as "being wounded" or "hurt" and those are correct. When something like separation or tragedy comes into our lives, it is a lot like a wound. But also like a wound, it needs to be thoroughly cleaned out before it can properly heal. It might scab over or stop bleeding, but that is not healed - It could still get an infection or something. If a wound does get an infection, the cleaning process must be that much more thorough. By asking questions and talking about it, we are able to flush out the wound and let healing start. Word of caution: cleaning out a wound, especially a deep one, never feels good when you are doing it, but it must be done.
I have been very encouraged by all that is going on. I get excited to see things start moving and God working. I am excited to see what God will do with the situations that I am a part of and the stories that will come of it. Continue to pray for my family. I believe that God can turn it into an incredible story of restoration and redemption. That is my story and I am sticking to it!
I talked with Rachel last night, she is doing okay. She is not excited about the snow they got out there. Nearly 10 inches. She is very excited that she only has 24 academic weeks left in her school year before she graduates. She has a lot to get done between here and May though, Pray that she keeps focused on the true goal and finishes well. Whatever that means.
Blessings from a pilgrim
Later
As I was saying, I house sat for a family in the youth group while their mom is in the hospital. I only had to drop them off at school and/or make sure they got on the bus. I didn't think it was going to be that much of a deal to them. I was hoping for a little more trust/relationship building time with them, but I only got breakfast and dropping them off at school. God took that little amount of time and used it though, at the end of three or four days they came up and asked if I would want to go to a theme park with them, and I am able to easily engage them at youth group too. As this happened I realized that God can use even the smallest interaction for something great. Also, if you really care about something or someone, people (whether young or old) notice. This can be good or bad. This case happened to be good, and now they are beginning to trust me.
I was talking with someone the other day when I thought of something. Kids learn life lessons and morals not by being told, but by being shown. As much as we would like to believe otherwise, I think students and kids prefer to have something practical set before them to learn from, not just an abstract idea. Though I could be wrong and I am the exception and not the norm. The thought that I had stills remains. The Old Testament in the Bible is written mostly in stories or morals and beliefs, not abstract ideas about beliefs. The Old Testament functioned as Israel's History book, their story book and their book of Law. There wasn't a whole lot of abstract ideas of following God or believing in Him, but stories about people who have. This is why I think that stories are a great way to teach people an idea or concept. But that is the opinion of a "know it all" college student. I am sure when I graduate and no longer know everything that will change.
Tomorrow, Tuesday, the first of November! What happened to the year? The after school program is tomorrow, needless to say, I am pretty excited about going. I took a more active role and gave the teacher a little bit of a break. I need to start using my Youth Ministry degree in something, and this is something that I really enjoy. Joe D and I met on Friday to talk about what Epic (the after school program) might look like. We landed on "Fellowship" and the "one another" commands of the New Testament. There is roughly 13-16 different "one another" commands, and I think 14-15 weeks left of epic for the school year. Since it is a Christian fellowship type thing that meets, I thought the subject is fitting. The topic is easy enough that if one of the students wanted to teach they could, too. Pray for Epic and the students involved
I got to talk with my Dad on Friday for a while. I really enjoyed that. We talked about some of the things that I have posted on my blog and different things going on at home. I am very glad we had that conversation and I look forward to more in the future. Everything at home is still pretty normal - or I should say, the same. Nothing new is happening. Mom is mom, dad is dad, my sisters are still my sisters, and the world is still a mess. God has been working in my family though, and it is very cool to watch in retrospect what he has done. To name one: Shanyne is considering taking a listening class to help other hurting students in her High school. This would provide a great inlet for her to build relationship to ultimately share the love of Christ with people. Dad said she was excited about it. I don't blame her. I am excited for her. Pray for Shanyne as she seeks opportunity to love people
One of the times I went out for lunch this week I met with a student who's life isn't exactly heavenly. I have spent the last couple of weeks getting to know him and building a level of trust. Then this week I asked him some hard questions about what he is going though. When going through this time of situation, talking is the last thing someone wants to do, but it is one of the most valuable things. I gained a since of freedom from my pain when I talked about them. It's as if I acknowledged them and then could move on. I said it hurt me and that I was hurting, and for there I could begin healing. Being asked the hard questions myself I also was able to get to the bottom of my pain and see all the areas that I have been affected. Now I have the responsibility to help others to to the bottom of their pain as well. Pray for Anthony and I as we process through life and seek God in the midst of out hurt
(This is my opinion, I do not have a degree in counseling or anything of that nature. This is just my experience) People often refer to something like this as "being wounded" or "hurt" and those are correct. When something like separation or tragedy comes into our lives, it is a lot like a wound. But also like a wound, it needs to be thoroughly cleaned out before it can properly heal. It might scab over or stop bleeding, but that is not healed - It could still get an infection or something. If a wound does get an infection, the cleaning process must be that much more thorough. By asking questions and talking about it, we are able to flush out the wound and let healing start. Word of caution: cleaning out a wound, especially a deep one, never feels good when you are doing it, but it must be done.
I have been very encouraged by all that is going on. I get excited to see things start moving and God working. I am excited to see what God will do with the situations that I am a part of and the stories that will come of it. Continue to pray for my family. I believe that God can turn it into an incredible story of restoration and redemption. That is my story and I am sticking to it!
I talked with Rachel last night, she is doing okay. She is not excited about the snow they got out there. Nearly 10 inches. She is very excited that she only has 24 academic weeks left in her school year before she graduates. She has a lot to get done between here and May though, Pray that she keeps focused on the true goal and finishes well. Whatever that means.
Blessings from a pilgrim
Later
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
God Showed Up
16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. 18 Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because they have not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son. 19 This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. 20 Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. 21 But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God. (John 3:16-21 NIV)
Once upon a time there was a boy named Jeremy. He loved to surprise people and to help in any way that he can, and if there was a way to surprise people by helping them it only made it better. But there was one thing that he loved more than both of those, and that was his Dad. He did not see his Dad much, but he looked forward to every moment that he had with his Dad. Jeremy got excited when he would run out and meet his Dad coming home from work in his blue sports car, or when his Dad would bring him home something from a business trip. Whatever it was it did not really matter, Jeremy looked forward to spending time with his Dad and would remember the time spent together more than anything else.
Some nights, he remembers them well, he and his Dad would watch TV together and it come time for bed for little Jeremy. Much like any 6 year old, he did not want to go to bed but his Dad insisted that he go to bed. Jeremy's Dad said that he would be down shortly to check on him and help him make his bed before he went to sleep. Jeremy took this as an opportunity to do what he loved to do, help and surprise people - he made his bed quickly and went and hid under his covers to try and scare his Dad. Although he knew nothing scared his Dad, and definitely not little Jeremy, he always liked to try. The first few times it back fired and his Dad scared Jeremy more then he scared his Dad, and eventually became like a late night game of hide and seek in his room before bed the night when Dad was home.
Then came a night that Jeremy remembers well. After he was told to go to bed by his Dad, Jeremy raced down stairs to make his bed and hide. He found the perfect hiding place even though it was the same one that he used only two nights before. He tried his best to slow his breathing to better hid from his Dad and increase the nearly impossible odds that he wouldn't be found. He lied there under his bed for what seemed like forever for a little kid waiting for his Dad. He waited and waited, but he didn't even hear foot steps. After a while he gave up the hope that he Dad would show up and just went to bed. He believed that he Dad either forgot or did not care. Either way this was one of the last times that Jeremy hid from his Dad.
Many years later, Jeremy now a young teenager, still loved to surprise people and work hard to help people, but he had an unknown fear of surprising his own Dad. He would hang out with him and want to be with him, but Jeremy was scared to trust him. He was not sure he would show up or like his surprises. Not trusting people or believing what people would say eventually became a characteristic of Jeremy's life to everyone, not just his Dad. Yet even in the midst of his distrust, Jeremy always wanted his Dad to show up and just be there.
There came another night, one that Jeremy also remembers but does not fully understand. His Dad drove him quietly to a place called Church. They hardly talked the whole way their, and the only thing Jeremy remembers is his Dad saying "I'll be back at 8 to pick you up." Jeremy liked Church because he could go his whole day there and not have people bother him or talk to him. It was like hiding for the world. Even though he liked being invisible and not being found out, yet deep down he wanted someone to find him and be with him. That night, Someone did. Jeremy heard a story of God, who no one could hide from, and would never leave leave anyone who believed that He is real. This sounded to good to be true for Jeremy, but he wanted to believe it. This God that they talked about forgave mistakes, healed distrust and would be like a perfect Father to those who would trust Him. Jeremy knew where this was going and began to break down over the story and more importantly over this God.
Crying, Jeremy went to find someone who would help him understand how to get this God and how to believe in Someone he could not see. Jeremy is told that he does not have to "do" anything, just believe that God is real and present, and trust His Son with everything. As likely you would guess, Jeremy did not like the idea of trusting Jesus in this way. He still have a lot of distrust when it came to relying on people, whether it was Jesus Christ or not, but he had to do something. Jeremy wanted to trust this Jesus and be known by this perfect Father, and so through tears, he said that he would - not even knowing what that means. Jeremy just knew that this God showed up and called him out of hiding into the light and wanted to be with him, and that was enough. Jeremy trusted in Jesus to bring him to the Father, and his life has never been the same.
Since that night Jeremy has had a roller coaster of a life, with good and bad times alike. At times he would try and hide from God, but it never worked - Jesus always found him and called him out. Another time a rough situation came, but Jesus is there and Jeremy can trust Him to be there. There is no place that he can go that Jesus is not present also. There is no mistake or evil so bad that Jesus would not forgive him, and there is no hiding place good enough that Jesus would not find him. At times Jeremy thought it impossible that Jesus could ever find him in the mistakes he made and forgive him for what he had done, and it was those times that Jesus showed up the brightest and forgave the most.
Blessings from a pilgrim
Later
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Making my bed
A dear friend of mine lost his buffalo yesterday - at least that is when I heard about it. He died, to my knowledge, of unknown causes. I have gone down there a few times now and have grown to love those buffalo, and it pains me to hear that even one has died. But truth is, now three have in the past months. That leaves only one of the baby buffalo.
God, I know it is a strange request, but I ask that you give comfort to my friends as they experience loss. This is of no comparison to the loss that you experience when you sent and watched you own son die, but the pain is still real. If anything, help me be lead by your spirit to understand what I can do to serve my friend as they experience this pain. Amen
I was house/baby sitting last night for a family in our youth group. I knew the family. Kind of. Even still, it is very strange to stay at someone's house and take on the role of a parent. Being put in this situation, it made me think of stories when I was a kid and when my parents had some interaction with me. Add to this a conversation that I had with my sister on the same subject (how her relationship with our parents has effected her life) and a lot of things that happened over the weekend. One story that I remember was when I was about 6 years old.
Every night or every few nights we had the change the sheets on our bed and make our beds before we go to sleep that night. I would normally remember to do this right before I went to bed and sometime my Dad would help me with it. At least that is what he said. We would be watching TV when it came time to go to bed. Dad sent me down stairs and said he would be down in a minute to help, and most times he would. A few times I was fast enough to get down there, make my bed, and hide before he showed up. I looked forward to him finding me and making me go to bed. It was like hide and seek, and it was one of the positive interaction that I remember having with my Dad. I'll be honest, it got to the point that I looked forward to changing my sheets and making my bed just so Dad would come and find me and put me to bed.
One night Dad sent me to bed and said that he would be down in a minute or so. I rushed down the stairs, made my bed and hid under my bed. I was so excited to see if my dad could come find me. I waited in excitement for the door to open and see my dad come in and look for me. And I waited. And waited. He never came down that night to find me, I nearly fell asleep under my bed hiding. I came out and went to bed thinking that he either forgot or didn't think it was important to come find me. I don't like this part of my memory.
The night my Dad didn't show up something happened to me. I felt forgotten and neglected. I don't think I realized it at the time, but this effected how I relate to my father and how I view people in general. I lost my ability to depend on people. At the end of the day, I just simply don't believe people really care - about me or anything. I was hurt, and still hurt over the fact that he didn't show up. This has even affected my view of God and his presence and faithfulness.
I want to be extremely clear now. I am not angry or mad at my dad at all. I love him more now than ever before. I simply wanted to share a story of how my life has been drastically changed by a single event in my life. Relationship between father and son are some of the most impacting situations that I know of. Though this one seems small, it has made much more of an impression than I thought it would. I share this story because I believe when we bring things to the light, God can allow healing to take place. Not only that, but others might be able to find healing through this as well.
To all the Dads out there, or anyone that might be a dad in the future. Do not forget your kid, it might seem silly to tuck him in at night or walk with him out to the bus, or even wish him a happy birthday now that he is long gone at college, but I tell you as a son. It means the world and more.
I have felt a great deal of pain in my life - mostly relational - and I would do it all again and more to hear my dad say that he loves me, or to see him show up when I need him. Those mean the world (I am crying writing this) to me, and I would imagine others as well. Please, as a Dad or parent or even just a friend, show up and be there. It won't be easy, but it is worth it
Blessings from a pilgrim
Later
God, I know it is a strange request, but I ask that you give comfort to my friends as they experience loss. This is of no comparison to the loss that you experience when you sent and watched you own son die, but the pain is still real. If anything, help me be lead by your spirit to understand what I can do to serve my friend as they experience this pain. Amen
I was house/baby sitting last night for a family in our youth group. I knew the family. Kind of. Even still, it is very strange to stay at someone's house and take on the role of a parent. Being put in this situation, it made me think of stories when I was a kid and when my parents had some interaction with me. Add to this a conversation that I had with my sister on the same subject (how her relationship with our parents has effected her life) and a lot of things that happened over the weekend. One story that I remember was when I was about 6 years old.
Every night or every few nights we had the change the sheets on our bed and make our beds before we go to sleep that night. I would normally remember to do this right before I went to bed and sometime my Dad would help me with it. At least that is what he said. We would be watching TV when it came time to go to bed. Dad sent me down stairs and said he would be down in a minute to help, and most times he would. A few times I was fast enough to get down there, make my bed, and hide before he showed up. I looked forward to him finding me and making me go to bed. It was like hide and seek, and it was one of the positive interaction that I remember having with my Dad. I'll be honest, it got to the point that I looked forward to changing my sheets and making my bed just so Dad would come and find me and put me to bed.
One night Dad sent me to bed and said that he would be down in a minute or so. I rushed down the stairs, made my bed and hid under my bed. I was so excited to see if my dad could come find me. I waited in excitement for the door to open and see my dad come in and look for me. And I waited. And waited. He never came down that night to find me, I nearly fell asleep under my bed hiding. I came out and went to bed thinking that he either forgot or didn't think it was important to come find me. I don't like this part of my memory.
The night my Dad didn't show up something happened to me. I felt forgotten and neglected. I don't think I realized it at the time, but this effected how I relate to my father and how I view people in general. I lost my ability to depend on people. At the end of the day, I just simply don't believe people really care - about me or anything. I was hurt, and still hurt over the fact that he didn't show up. This has even affected my view of God and his presence and faithfulness.
I want to be extremely clear now. I am not angry or mad at my dad at all. I love him more now than ever before. I simply wanted to share a story of how my life has been drastically changed by a single event in my life. Relationship between father and son are some of the most impacting situations that I know of. Though this one seems small, it has made much more of an impression than I thought it would. I share this story because I believe when we bring things to the light, God can allow healing to take place. Not only that, but others might be able to find healing through this as well.
To all the Dads out there, or anyone that might be a dad in the future. Do not forget your kid, it might seem silly to tuck him in at night or walk with him out to the bus, or even wish him a happy birthday now that he is long gone at college, but I tell you as a son. It means the world and more.
I have felt a great deal of pain in my life - mostly relational - and I would do it all again and more to hear my dad say that he loves me, or to see him show up when I need him. Those mean the world (I am crying writing this) to me, and I would imagine others as well. Please, as a Dad or parent or even just a friend, show up and be there. It won't be easy, but it is worth it
Blessings from a pilgrim
Later
Monday, October 10, 2011
On a Positive Note - full circle
Yesterday it was brought to my attention - whether intentionally or not - that most of my post on here have a slightly negative feel to them or are just my rants for the week. I would agree, but that would be something that I would like to change. I want to bring out the good, not just point out the bad. I think it would be easy for me just to keep breaking things down and be critical of things, but that is not my job at all. I am suppose to editify and build up.
11 So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, 12 to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ. ~Eph 4:11-13.Christ gave different people to do different jobs, all of them with the purpose of building up the body of Christ to the end that we become more like Christ. This says nothing about being negative or critical, I think that is a very fleshly idea that I have believed to be a good idea. It is time that changed and I start building instead of breaking.
(Before I say anything in the next paragraph, remember this is a blog, not the bible. If in search for truth go to God and his word, not my blog. These words are just my thoughts and reactions to the world around me. They could very well be wrong. I am an intern at a church, I don't really know that much. My conclusions are worth about as much as any one's)
I was talking with someone, I forget who, that the goal of a Christian is not just to stop sinning. That is a result, but not the goal. It is something that we should try and do, but it shouldn't be the reason way we as Christian do something. Am I saying that Christians shouldn't worry about sin? Heck no! Sin is bad, Christians should avoid it, but that is something more important than just not sinning. That, I believe is to follow and pursue Christ in all areas of life. This is something that I need to work on for sure.
Sunday was super busy! From sun up to sun down was filled with activity and people with little room for much else. We had the Middle School Ministry in the morning starting our first small group session with them, then right after that we had a party for pastor and his wife. 35 years of marriage, that is something worth celebrating! My favorite party of the whole thing was watching the wife/mom watch the video of their years together and the kids growing up. She started to cry, and I watched in astonishment to see love. Her boys were the ones that made the video for them, and they loved doing it. Little things like that are what get me.
Rachel and I had a very important conversation Wednesday. At least I think it is important. The subject was about being emotional mature and being comfortable with our emotions. I know this is something that I have tried very hard to stay away from and protect myself from - being vulnerable and emotional. I have lived a good deal of my life protecting myself emotionally and keeping myself from showing emotions because I think that they show immaturity and weakness. After the conversation I think that is a lie and being emotionally mature involves being open and.... well, emotional. I think that being stubborn and emotionally cold is really the immature thing, which has been something I have taken pride in - to think objectively and disregard emotions as just a feeling. This might be good when dealing with problems or with certain situations, but it leaves my life empty and joyless. But Christians are to have joy, peaces, love (Emotions), as well as self-control and clear thinking. You see my tension?
I know a guy named Jake, a good friend of mine and someone that I enjoy being around immensely! He has the ability to break down all my emotional walls and gain my complete trust as soon as I start talking with him. He some how brings me out of my shell and I experience peace, comfort and joy. I laugh like I have never laughed, and experience joy. I only wish that I could experience more often and with other people. Yet I have this tension as I have said to perform and be this objective person and protect myself emotionally. Both Rachel and I feel this tension: to think clearly and objectively and at the same time we both so eagerly want to experience the joy and peace that God has for us. The question is how is that supposed to happen?
I don't believe that I am able to experience the fullness of joy and still be the emotionless objective person that I am. Something needs to give, or I need to give something. I don't believe that I am the first person to be asking this question. "How do I gain this quality of life that God is talking about? How can I gain life abundant?" The other guy that I know of that asked this question is found in the bible, Luke Chapter 10:
25And a lawyer stood up and put Him to the test, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?” 26 And He said to him, “What is written in the Law? How does it read to you?” 27 And he answered, “YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND; AND YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.” 28 And He said to him, “You have answered correctly; DO THIS AND YOU WILL LIVE.” 29 But wishing to justify himself, he said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?... 10:25-29Most people don't notice the slight change of topic, I know I didn't until someone pointed it out to me. The Lawyer ask, "what must I do to have ETERNAL life?" Then Jesus changes the subject by saying "Do this and you will live." He says nothing of eternal life, just merely life on earth and possibly fulfillment. Granted the lawyer is testing Jesus, but the answer is valid as well as the question. The answer is to a greater question, "How do I have life (of eternal quality)" To have life you must love God with your everything - heart, soul, strength, and mind - and love your neighbor as well as yourself. At first this seems simple enough, but as I thought about it in the context of my tension, I noticed something I had not before. It says to love God with all your HEART and SOUL - I read this as my emotional side. To have life of any good quality it involves loving God with everything, even my emotions. This I know I have not done. I have given God my time, my energy, my mind, my money, at my best even my life, but I don't believe I have ever given Him my Heart. I have not given my heart to God and I know that I have not loved Him with all my heart - I have kept it for myself to protect.
This needs to change if I ever want to experience the joy that God has for me. If I or anyone else ever want to fully experience all that God has, it involves loving God with everything by giving God everything. Including my heart and my emotions. I need to begin to start taking down the walls around my heart and give my heart over to God. The initial pain and discomfort will be there without a doubt, but the reward of joy will be worth it. God desires to give us life, and life abundantly. The next question is simple, what do you need to give to God?
Blessings from a pilgrim
Later
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