Going deep

I find it incredibly strange that I can have a packed weekend, and still have nothing to talk about. That could come with the mindset of "This is what happens every weekend" or "No one really cares about all that." I am not sure. What I do know is that I am having a hard time organizing my thoughts or even figuring out what to talk about. So, I just started typing...

In relation to wedding planning, as all of you would like to know, we are done with all the big and fun stuff. We know the when, where and who. Now all we are left with is decoration details, the actual sending of invites, and all the little details that drive a person crazy. Even those things have been put on the back burner for the most part, we are taking it pretty easy right now. Rachel and I both have other things that would be considered more important, such as finishing school or my internship and finding a job.

Another thing that is strange to think about in relation to wedding planning is the reality that it is even happening. I am the first of all my siblings to get engaged, so this is a first for everyone. Granted, my parents got married, but that was a long time ago and a lot different than Rachel and I.

Yesterday I learned something about myself that I find very interesting. I would much rather not share this information online, but because of what I learned, it would only make sense. As much as I don't want random people (or even friends in some cases) to know this, to an even greater degree I don't want to continue with where I am. I do not have any desire to remain in my fear and distrust, nor do I want to remain on the surface of my life. I want to grow deep in conversation and I want to let my relationships grow deep as well. It is the very same thing that I want that I also fear. That is, allowing my conversations, thoughts, and mostly relationship grow deeper than the surface of my life.

It started when a girl from the youth group shared her story about this past year of her life. She used pieces of her art to describe what she was going through and how she felt. Later she told us how uncomfortable it made her feel to have all of her art out for people to see, because in her mind it allowed them to see inside of her. Through her art they could see the very deepest pain, not something she wanted to let people see. This let me to ask others and myself the question, how do you reveal what is in your heart. How do you express your pain and your joys?

I got a few different answers. A lot of people related to singing or music, a few said dancing, the one girl said art, and the rest who answered said through writing. I am not sure where I fall for sure, I would say writing, because I don't know what else I am good at - maybe stories, but even that is writing.

Later than evening, at small group I confronted again with the reality that I had a fear of growing into a deep relationship with anyone - in this case God. There is a certain level of openness that is need to have a relationship with any depth, and all those things brought hesitation to mind. A fear even. I both did not want anyone else down that far into my life, but I also didn't want to go there myself. I was/am afraid of what I might find down there, what levels of pain, what degrees of filth... With my background and history, it just makes me nervous.

The kicker came when Chris and I talked about it a little later. In light of small group he basically kicked me in my pants and said I need to change that. Unless I can allow God and people into the deeper parts of my life, I am not going to see the results I am thinking. Add this conversation on others that I have had over the last few weeks and I am beginning to see: I need to change something.

So, as much as I would rather not, I am trusting God will protect me as I learn to be more open with my life. And even I get hurt, I see the deeper relationship to both God and people of greater value than the pain that I would/will receive. It is for that reason, relationships, that I want to grow in this area.
This is what I learned about myself...

Blessings
Later