It has been nearly two weeks since I last updated about what God has been doing in my life. It is going to be hard to compress all that has happened into words in one post. But, without further delay, I will give you some highlights of the last few days.
The last post on here is mostly about my family and what I should encourage my dad to do, but there is a small section about my financial situation which is what I will tell you about first.
Before spring break I still own around $8,500 to college tuition - maybe more. Dad told me we could talk about it after break, but said that he really couldn't help me with money because of all the spending that my mom does. Yet I prayed, "God, if you want me to go to Ohio for this internship then you are going to have provide enough money for tuition and for a car to get out there. I understand this is a lot of money God, but I also trust that if this is your plan then you will provide a way." Before praying this I decided that I would not take out an independent loan, or barrow any more money past student loans.
Now it gets good. I went to the financial department of the school and took out the last of my loans ($2,000) and cashed in my check for working at the school ($500). The next week I got my tax returns back and cashed in my savings account ($1,600), talked with the financial department again and found a charge of grad credits that should have been removed ($1,200). Thursday night I got an email from my Dad about some money that Mom had took from me when I was younger, later sent me an email saying he is sending a check for nearly $4,000. So in a matter of 3-4 weeks I went from owing $8,500+ to having $800. It is payday next week to, so it is more like $1,200 in saving for a car. That is exactly what I pray to God - all of tuition and enough for a car. I guess I am going to Ohio, can't get much clearer direction than that.
On a more spiritual level, I have been challenged time and time again by God do start doing something. It has mostly been through people that the challenge has come saying that I could do more than I am. They see that I don't live out my faith as strongly because I am not "one of those people". I don't have the personality of a stereotypical leader so I don't lead, I fear what people will think of me so I don't act out my faith, I don't see things as common practice on campus so I don't do it, and such things like that. My professors have noticed and are calling me out on my fear telling me that I should start doing something.
A professor that I really look up to said this, "Jeremy isn't even showing half of what he is capable of on this campus" another professor that I am TAing under (Teachers Assistant) said the same only more so "There is a kid on this campus that I heard about, he has so much potential that he just isn't using that this campus really needs". To hear from these people that I am capable of this much, or even more is a challenge in my mind. I take challenges. Slowly I am doing what they say I can do, beginning to live with less fear of people.
A similar Challenge had been given to me by Rachel's Dad talking about jobs for the summer. He told me that I needed to look for jobs that would put me further into my career and better position me for the future. I took that Challenge and started to look for internships and youth pastor jobs. This past Thursday I got a acceptance letter from the internship in Ohio saying that I am the first intern to be accepted for their program. Since God provided everything I needed to go their, I will take them up on the offer and will start in the middle of May.
I learned throughout all of this, if God calls you to do something He will provide everything necessary to accomplish it without going against His will or plan. It is simple, but the implications are far reaching
Later
Simply a pilgrim, looking for that city whose builder and maker is God, who enjoys bringing others along on the journey.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Struck Reality
I received a text from my Dad on Thursday asking for me to call him. I needed to call him anyway and there was no way that I would refuse if I didn't. At first we talked about my financial situation that I have found myself in at school and what the plan would be, then we moved on to the harder more important issues. Home, Mom and the house.
I made my dad cry when I told him that I love him and miss him. I went on to say that I missed hanging out with him and simply doing thing for him. These are tears coming from a man I have seen cry twice - once at a surprise which all us kids showed up and the other when my uncle died. Much like me the man does not show much emotion, but I made him cry. I simply told the truth about how I feel about him and how much I missed having a dad. circumstances led to preventing a lot of interaction between dad and us kids, and we all hurt from that, some of us are even bitter. No one will say how much it hurts though, at least not easily. The pain is real enough that talking about it hurts - at least for me that is the case. The reason my dad cried, I believe, is because he misses/ed us too and wants that relationship to be restored.
He asked my before hanging up what I thought about divorce and the concerns that it brings. As I thought about about it no reasons came to mind about why they should divorce (bible gives no reason for divorce, only gives options for remarriage). Yet I can not with good conscience tell my dad that he has to stay where he is, with mom, when by all means she is dead or worse. The relationship is dead and she wants nothing to do with dad, she hates him (I have heard her say that in front of me) and has no respect for him. Dad sees the relationship (mostly on mom's part) so rattled that no one has hope for it. I don't even have much of anything toward mom any more. At best I have hurt, anger and compassion for her to change as one broken person to another.
The question that I am left with is "do I support this divorce or do I encourage him to try and reconcile the relationship" (even if nothing could be joined together at this point - much like a dead person marrying a living person).
To help my Dad understand my perspective I used a banking illustration, also since we had been talking about money already. "Dad" I said, "consider our family like a credit of sorts, that if not paid will incur interest, but if paid in full or above will reap benefits. Yet we have not even been making minimum payments (any of us, dad the kids or anyone that knows us hasn't done anything to make progress). We have compound interest over thirty years, if we make minimum payments now we will all be dead before we will be free and can even enjoy this credit (our family). However, if we have the means to break the bank and pay back the credit in whole (do drastic measures, whatever it takes to fix the situation) we need to do that. We must do that. Even if we are poor (uncomfortable, broken, stressed) for a while, we will no longer be living the lie of credit debt (denying the situation at home and living like it isn't a problem even though it is growing) and we can begin to start making profit (good family memories)."
Dad agreed and moved forward and we'll re-assess as we go.
I greatly desire for both my parents to understand their own personal debts that they have, how messed up their are and how great of lengths Christ went through to pay back their debts. To sent them free to live a life of joy and peace, not this anger and bitterness. After all, how much more of a sacrifice can be made then death. That is what it took to set me free from my debt, and I am ever thankful and able to press forward because I understand that.
Later
I made my dad cry when I told him that I love him and miss him. I went on to say that I missed hanging out with him and simply doing thing for him. These are tears coming from a man I have seen cry twice - once at a surprise which all us kids showed up and the other when my uncle died. Much like me the man does not show much emotion, but I made him cry. I simply told the truth about how I feel about him and how much I missed having a dad. circumstances led to preventing a lot of interaction between dad and us kids, and we all hurt from that, some of us are even bitter. No one will say how much it hurts though, at least not easily. The pain is real enough that talking about it hurts - at least for me that is the case. The reason my dad cried, I believe, is because he misses/ed us too and wants that relationship to be restored.
He asked my before hanging up what I thought about divorce and the concerns that it brings. As I thought about about it no reasons came to mind about why they should divorce (bible gives no reason for divorce, only gives options for remarriage). Yet I can not with good conscience tell my dad that he has to stay where he is, with mom, when by all means she is dead or worse. The relationship is dead and she wants nothing to do with dad, she hates him (I have heard her say that in front of me) and has no respect for him. Dad sees the relationship (mostly on mom's part) so rattled that no one has hope for it. I don't even have much of anything toward mom any more. At best I have hurt, anger and compassion for her to change as one broken person to another.
The question that I am left with is "do I support this divorce or do I encourage him to try and reconcile the relationship" (even if nothing could be joined together at this point - much like a dead person marrying a living person).
To help my Dad understand my perspective I used a banking illustration, also since we had been talking about money already. "Dad" I said, "consider our family like a credit of sorts, that if not paid will incur interest, but if paid in full or above will reap benefits. Yet we have not even been making minimum payments (any of us, dad the kids or anyone that knows us hasn't done anything to make progress). We have compound interest over thirty years, if we make minimum payments now we will all be dead before we will be free and can even enjoy this credit (our family). However, if we have the means to break the bank and pay back the credit in whole (do drastic measures, whatever it takes to fix the situation) we need to do that. We must do that. Even if we are poor (uncomfortable, broken, stressed) for a while, we will no longer be living the lie of credit debt (denying the situation at home and living like it isn't a problem even though it is growing) and we can begin to start making profit (good family memories)."
Dad agreed and moved forward and we'll re-assess as we go.
I greatly desire for both my parents to understand their own personal debts that they have, how messed up their are and how great of lengths Christ went through to pay back their debts. To sent them free to live a life of joy and peace, not this anger and bitterness. After all, how much more of a sacrifice can be made then death. That is what it took to set me free from my debt, and I am ever thankful and able to press forward because I understand that.
Later
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Well prepared
Coming out of the wilderness I learned a lot about myself and others as seen in the previous post, but I wasn't sure how that would affect my life later. What is God preparing me for is the question that I asked myself. I found out what God prepared me for later that weekend. Here is a message that I got from my sister:
I'm starting to think I want to do something about the 'hoarding' at [home]. I just can't get it out of my head how disgusting it is and how much Shayne, Dara, Tim and Dad have to suffer cuz of one person, Mom (I know its not really her fault, she has a sickness, but she's not working on getting it fixed, she's in denial). Shanyne is so unhappy, Dara is always sick and I'm starting to think its because the living conditions are so bad (mold, etc). Anyway, I don't have to explain it to you guys, you know how bad it is. What is your opinion about calling Health Services? Do you think that's too drastic? Do you think that this is something that we all just always have to deal with and nothing we can do about it? Let me know what you think, I'll feel better if I have an opinion from you guys on what you think should be done, if anything
My first thought is "wait, let's pray about this. We don't want any unnecessary tension!" yet, before I could finish this thought I remembered what I learned on this trip: Tension isn't always bad, sometime it is needed for people to grow.
That is what I concluded about this circumstance, that it is needed tension to other people or person grow. I am going to let the tension ride itself out and I am going to simply be there for my family to help guide the tension and ask good questions to help people learn from the experiences.
I thank God that He prepared me for this so that I could respond well and not be controlling like I normally would be given any other situation. I also thank God that He has brought me out of the mess at home and has made me a child of light, a son of inheritance. It is a wonderful thing to be free from sin and given a life of joy.
Later
I'm starting to think I want to do something about the 'hoarding' at [home]. I just can't get it out of my head how disgusting it is and how much Shayne, Dara, Tim and Dad have to suffer cuz of one person, Mom (I know its not really her fault, she has a sickness, but she's not working on getting it fixed, she's in denial). Shanyne is so unhappy, Dara is always sick and I'm starting to think its because the living conditions are so bad (mold, etc). Anyway, I don't have to explain it to you guys, you know how bad it is. What is your opinion about calling Health Services? Do you think that's too drastic? Do you think that this is something that we all just always have to deal with and nothing we can do about it? Let me know what you think, I'll feel better if I have an opinion from you guys on what you think should be done, if anything
My first thought is "wait, let's pray about this. We don't want any unnecessary tension!" yet, before I could finish this thought I remembered what I learned on this trip: Tension isn't always bad, sometime it is needed for people to grow.
That is what I concluded about this circumstance, that it is needed tension to other people or person grow. I am going to let the tension ride itself out and I am going to simply be there for my family to help guide the tension and ask good questions to help people learn from the experiences.
I thank God that He prepared me for this so that I could respond well and not be controlling like I normally would be given any other situation. I also thank God that He has brought me out of the mess at home and has made me a child of light, a son of inheritance. It is a wonderful thing to be free from sin and given a life of joy.
Later
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Day 4
Here is a journal entry from my wilderness trip:
Day 4 of spring break has been a challenge, not because it is hard for me but because it is hard for others like Sophie and Jake. Having someone else hurting is far more difficult for me than going through pain myself. The challenge comes when I am not allowed to help them overcome or work through it. That is hard.
I now realized what I once thought to a service might be a great disservice in truly helping people and loving people. Love isn't about giving people what they think will make them happy, but as Dwight says, making them truly happy with what they need. Sometimes people need pain, tension, and hurt to be ultimately happy.
Talking with Sheen the other day, she thanks God that the pain was not removed (speaking of tensions at home). It was that pain that fueled her growth in faith and radical trust in God down to her salvation [which is what makes her truly happy].
What a great disservice it would be if someone would have removed that from my sister, stopping her growth and love for God. I wouldn't even think about it, nor would she. Would we ever willingly go through it knowing the pain? No, never. Do we ever regret or hate what we went through [to get where we are]? Not anymore.
I think that has been one of the major things that I learned so far from this experience: Tension isn't always bad, it is sometimes needed to really grow.
I thought that I was going to learn about whether I was going to be single or not, or something else like being a true man, but God has had other plans for my trip.
Today the girls are hurting bad. Soph and Janelle have blisters on most of their toes and their packs weigh about as much as they do, but they still carried them the whole way today. I even tried to help Soph but she said she was going to do it. I almost started crying because I was proud of her [determination]. She was crying this morning but still made it to the top today.
I large reason I pushed so hard during these days is so I can help others and Sophie has been that for me on this trip. Her determination has pushed me through a great deal which I wouldn't have done otherwise. Just like I would push myself for any of my sisters or Rachel if they asked me to or I felt they needed help.
An observation that I made when reading through 2 Timothy is that correcting and rebuking is a requirement that Paul had for Timothy as a fellow pastor. And to do so with great humility. Most of the requirements are determined by self, but to rebuke involves others.
Off of that, Christianity isn't a solo trip but a fellowship of sojourners looking for the kingdom. Backpackers, even if done solo still consider others behind them as they all press toward the end. We as Christians have the privilege to journey together in fellowship to the great end of the trail - the kingdom of heaven. The city of lights where we can rejoice with others who have completed their journey.
Everybody's journey is different. Some sing and go on tours, others hike until their feet blister, but the real journey is of the spirit. Becoming more like Christ in character and service. True fellowship is that of bring others and helping others along in the journey to that kingdom.
What that might look like is encouraging the spirit by working with the body. Carrying someones pack might not be helpful, but if it is encouraging them to grow to godliness then it is what needs to be done. There is an overlap between the visible and invisible, the temporal and the eternal. What I do physically affects me spiritually. How I help others eternally is determined by what I do temporally.
End of journal entry.
It has been an incredible trip, and I am very thankful that I was able to go on this one. I really want to get some people together and do another trip soon. The journey is hard, the learning is challenging, the destination is far, but the reward is worth it.
Simply a Pilgrim
Later
P.S. A update from Rachel will come soon. She is still touring.
Day 4 of spring break has been a challenge, not because it is hard for me but because it is hard for others like Sophie and Jake. Having someone else hurting is far more difficult for me than going through pain myself. The challenge comes when I am not allowed to help them overcome or work through it. That is hard.
I now realized what I once thought to a service might be a great disservice in truly helping people and loving people. Love isn't about giving people what they think will make them happy, but as Dwight says, making them truly happy with what they need. Sometimes people need pain, tension, and hurt to be ultimately happy.
Talking with Sheen the other day, she thanks God that the pain was not removed (speaking of tensions at home). It was that pain that fueled her growth in faith and radical trust in God down to her salvation [which is what makes her truly happy].
What a great disservice it would be if someone would have removed that from my sister, stopping her growth and love for God. I wouldn't even think about it, nor would she. Would we ever willingly go through it knowing the pain? No, never. Do we ever regret or hate what we went through [to get where we are]? Not anymore.
I think that has been one of the major things that I learned so far from this experience: Tension isn't always bad, it is sometimes needed to really grow.
I thought that I was going to learn about whether I was going to be single or not, or something else like being a true man, but God has had other plans for my trip.
Today the girls are hurting bad. Soph and Janelle have blisters on most of their toes and their packs weigh about as much as they do, but they still carried them the whole way today. I even tried to help Soph but she said she was going to do it. I almost started crying because I was proud of her [determination]. She was crying this morning but still made it to the top today.
I large reason I pushed so hard during these days is so I can help others and Sophie has been that for me on this trip. Her determination has pushed me through a great deal which I wouldn't have done otherwise. Just like I would push myself for any of my sisters or Rachel if they asked me to or I felt they needed help.
An observation that I made when reading through 2 Timothy is that correcting and rebuking is a requirement that Paul had for Timothy as a fellow pastor. And to do so with great humility. Most of the requirements are determined by self, but to rebuke involves others.
Off of that, Christianity isn't a solo trip but a fellowship of sojourners looking for the kingdom. Backpackers, even if done solo still consider others behind them as they all press toward the end. We as Christians have the privilege to journey together in fellowship to the great end of the trail - the kingdom of heaven. The city of lights where we can rejoice with others who have completed their journey.
Everybody's journey is different. Some sing and go on tours, others hike until their feet blister, but the real journey is of the spirit. Becoming more like Christ in character and service. True fellowship is that of bring others and helping others along in the journey to that kingdom.
What that might look like is encouraging the spirit by working with the body. Carrying someones pack might not be helpful, but if it is encouraging them to grow to godliness then it is what needs to be done. There is an overlap between the visible and invisible, the temporal and the eternal. What I do physically affects me spiritually. How I help others eternally is determined by what I do temporally.
End of journal entry.
It has been an incredible trip, and I am very thankful that I was able to go on this one. I really want to get some people together and do another trip soon. The journey is hard, the learning is challenging, the destination is far, but the reward is worth it.
Simply a Pilgrim
Later
P.S. A update from Rachel will come soon. She is still touring.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Interview update
As some of you might know/remember, I had the great opportunity to do an interview in Cleveland this past weekend. (Theinternship.org is the site if you want more information about it is all about.) The interview experience is just as valuable as the internship so far, and as Rick says: "the internship starts with the interview." I learned a lot from the interview process this weekend that I can take with me wherever I go regardless of whether I get this particular job or not. About communication what people need to hear, knowing myself, being confident in who I am in Christ, knowing what situations I am most comfortable, etc. I learned that much just in the interview process over the weekend, imagine what I would learn over a year as a intern!
Before I bore you. The interviews went well. That is right, I had more than one interview. By the time the weekend was over I ended up having three separate interviews with three different groups of people, not including my interview over the phone a few weeks ago.
My first interview was with Rick over lunch. I am comfortable with both him and the idea of food and so conversation is easy and free. Talked about ministry ideas, church structure, and my own giftedness for ministry. He really liked what I had to say and would consistently tell me that for the next interview that I should bring up what I just said.
The next interview rolled around that night with some leaders from the youth group as well as some parents and I had forgotten everything that I was told that I should say from that last interview. It is a different group of people and a different setting, I was much more self-conscience and nervous about what I was saying. I found myself talking a lot and not answering questions as much, which turned out not to be as good as I thought it would be. Rick told me afterward that I should have just answered questions and told less stories. Overall Rick said that I improved since the last interview that I had over the phone with the same group of people.
I went to the church site on Sunday and had a gimps of what they are about... Huge church. Five services, and they are still running out of room and resources to meet the ever growing needs. The have a program for every age group and a place for every skill, it was incredible! As I walked through the halls I wondered way they even needed interns, but I realize now it is about giving interns a positive first ministry experience.
After church I had my last interview with Joe, some leaders, and some students at Panera Bread. I was far more comfortable with this interview then the last. Maybe it has something to do with food, I have no idea. We talked about roughly the same things, ministry ideas, why I am interested in ministry, what do I like to do. Since their were students their it was much more relaxed and not just focused on me like the previous interview. I asked them questions, they asked me questions, they asked each other questions. We just hung out more than anything and got to know each other more.
I still don't know if I got the internship, and I don't know when I will know. I still have my eyes open for different opportunities that might be where God is leading me. I understand that it might only be that God wanted me to learn how to be interviewed and not get the job, I am okay with that. I also understand that if God is preparing me to be interviewed then I had better be looking for the job that requires me to be interviewed.
That is the update. Feel free to ask questions if you have any.
Later
Before I bore you. The interviews went well. That is right, I had more than one interview. By the time the weekend was over I ended up having three separate interviews with three different groups of people, not including my interview over the phone a few weeks ago.
My first interview was with Rick over lunch. I am comfortable with both him and the idea of food and so conversation is easy and free. Talked about ministry ideas, church structure, and my own giftedness for ministry. He really liked what I had to say and would consistently tell me that for the next interview that I should bring up what I just said.
The next interview rolled around that night with some leaders from the youth group as well as some parents and I had forgotten everything that I was told that I should say from that last interview. It is a different group of people and a different setting, I was much more self-conscience and nervous about what I was saying. I found myself talking a lot and not answering questions as much, which turned out not to be as good as I thought it would be. Rick told me afterward that I should have just answered questions and told less stories. Overall Rick said that I improved since the last interview that I had over the phone with the same group of people.
I went to the church site on Sunday and had a gimps of what they are about... Huge church. Five services, and they are still running out of room and resources to meet the ever growing needs. The have a program for every age group and a place for every skill, it was incredible! As I walked through the halls I wondered way they even needed interns, but I realize now it is about giving interns a positive first ministry experience.
After church I had my last interview with Joe, some leaders, and some students at Panera Bread. I was far more comfortable with this interview then the last. Maybe it has something to do with food, I have no idea. We talked about roughly the same things, ministry ideas, why I am interested in ministry, what do I like to do. Since their were students their it was much more relaxed and not just focused on me like the previous interview. I asked them questions, they asked me questions, they asked each other questions. We just hung out more than anything and got to know each other more.
I still don't know if I got the internship, and I don't know when I will know. I still have my eyes open for different opportunities that might be where God is leading me. I understand that it might only be that God wanted me to learn how to be interviewed and not get the job, I am okay with that. I also understand that if God is preparing me to be interviewed then I had better be looking for the job that requires me to be interviewed.
That is the update. Feel free to ask questions if you have any.
Later
Saturday, March 5, 2011
To Cleveland
From my perspective, today and tomorrow are a big deal. I leave for Cleveland Ohio any minute now to a church where I might be interning. I will have a interview tomorrow afternoon, today is mostly hang out and get to know the applicant (aka me). I am very excited about what is going to take place over the next 48 hours, but also nervous. This weekend may change my life, I have no idea what to expect. I do know that once I get there I will be stuck there until the weekend is over. The pleasures of having no car. Regardless of what transpires this weekend, pray that I bring the love of Christ clearly wherever I go and to whomever I meet.
Family is doing well from what I can tell. I do think about them though, even worry at times. My youngest sister just got pink eye according to Facebook. my other sister is getting into some good discussion about the bible as it relates to science. I told her about AnswersInGenesis.com, but still that isn't a easy one to tackle. It make it even harder when it is against her own siblings (the older ones). It is going to be a great challenge for her. I believe that God will give her the discernment that she needs as well as the knowledge. Please pray for her just the same, pray also for my other sisters pink eye.
Rachel is up at her grandparents this weekend. She really needs a break, same for me. We both really enjoy school and all, but it is important to get away once in a while. She'll be up there a better part of the weekend - I didn't get much detail because I won't be here either. Over all she is doing well, but has a lot on her plate. Her junior recital is coming up soon and the normal weeks worth of stuff for her. I didn't help this week (in terms of homework) by bringing her along to help me do family interview for a project. She really enjoyed it, but it took a few hours from her week. All the more reason I am glad she gets a restful weekend. Pray that she gets some rest and enjoys her weekend with her Grandparents.
Time to get my things together and head out to Cleveland.
Later
Family is doing well from what I can tell. I do think about them though, even worry at times. My youngest sister just got pink eye according to Facebook. my other sister is getting into some good discussion about the bible as it relates to science. I told her about AnswersInGenesis.com, but still that isn't a easy one to tackle. It make it even harder when it is against her own siblings (the older ones). It is going to be a great challenge for her. I believe that God will give her the discernment that she needs as well as the knowledge. Please pray for her just the same, pray also for my other sisters pink eye.
Rachel is up at her grandparents this weekend. She really needs a break, same for me. We both really enjoy school and all, but it is important to get away once in a while. She'll be up there a better part of the weekend - I didn't get much detail because I won't be here either. Over all she is doing well, but has a lot on her plate. Her junior recital is coming up soon and the normal weeks worth of stuff for her. I didn't help this week (in terms of homework) by bringing her along to help me do family interview for a project. She really enjoyed it, but it took a few hours from her week. All the more reason I am glad she gets a restful weekend. Pray that she gets some rest and enjoys her weekend with her Grandparents.
Time to get my things together and head out to Cleveland.
Later
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