Pride or fear?

This week has gone by much faster than I would have expected. So much to do, so many people to talk to and so little time. I had to purposely not tell people that I am on campus this week just so I would have time to get to everyone that I didn't talk to last time. I do not enjoy doing that, but it keeps the conversations that I do have more meaningful and valuable.

Little recap on the week so far. Tuesday morning we left to head out to the College bright and early. At least that was the plan. After picking up Jim I went to Rick's house to leave, little did I know that saying goodbye to your wife and kid takes more than five minutes. We all talked for a while, played hide the bear with Charlotte (their baby girl), got some orange juice, talked some more... then started to leave. Made me wonder why I had to be there so early if it is going to that long to leave. I realized after watch them interact a while why God got me there early. For just that reason, to watch them interact. It is always a little awkward, but I still enjoy watching couples who love each other interact.

We got to the rental and picked up our... mini van? The car that we rented wasn't there, so they gave us a nicer car for the same price. It is awesome, the van has way more leg room than the small car we would have gotten. I got a foot rest! What more could I have asked for?

I really enjoy coming back to campus every now and again, mostly because Rachel is still here, but other students as well. I have already had a lot of great conversations about life, learning and what comes next. There are days that I honestly think I could talk to people all day. That has basically been my week thus far and I have enjoyed it, the trick for me comes with talking to people that I don't know yet. Though, even that hasn't been too hard while talking with students on campus, I have enjoyed getting to know people that I had never met before.

It is now Thursday morning, a lot has happened this week, there is only a few things I think I will remember about the week though. One of them happened last night when Rachel and I prayed together, she said "I always learn so much about you, though I do feel like I am ease dropping on a conversation." I guess I knew that she would learn about me as I talked with God, it still surprised me when she said it though.

Another thing I will leave with this week is a conversation that I had with a professor. I went to him asking him what I should do next and he asked a totally different set of questions that had nothing to do with what I originally had in mind. I showed him a document that I have been working on for a while based on his decision making model. On this piece of paper I wrote out what I want to do, what I am capable of doing, and what is available for me to do.

To help me figure out what I want to do and like to do, I took the opposite of my fears - which are also written down on the paper. From this idea my professor asked his question, "Is it fear or pride that is at the root of sin?" at which I answered pride. He agreed, but went on to tell me it is very hard to find pride - pride is blinding. He didn't leave me there, he brought me back to the Fall. The first sin is a result of pride, but shortly followed by fear. So, he suggest, fear is a cover for the pride that we have. Ultimately we don't want to be found out for the sin of pride, so we are afraid. That is to say, if I can find and deal with fear my pride is not far behind. Whether I agree with that or not, it is an interesting thought to chew on for a while.

I have a study date with Rachel, which is way more important than this blog.

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

Fall retreat

Here is another recap over the past week. It seems like it has been a longer week than normal, but I think that is just because of everything that happened. I have seen snow, my sister, a concert, a movie, and finished fall retreat, and a long lot of other things in the course of the last week. So, in some sense of order, I will fill you in about what went down.

Sunday night (last week) we didn't have youth group, instead we went to a Mercy Me concert with a bunch of the students. concerts are very loud, and this one is no exception. I ended up going out to my car and grabbing ear plugs (I am a loser, I know). I am very glad that I went though, it is always fun to hang out with friends

During the concert I talked a few different people about whether it was going to be possible to have my sister come out for the following weekend. Talked with one person, then called a different one to rely information and then first one again to confirm. It got kind of tricky. At one point I was texting two people and calling a third all at the same time.The conclusion: my mom drove my sister out for the weekend. I really wanted my Dad to come out, but I wasn't going to press the issue. The important thing was to get my sister out here, and that happened. Anything more would have been bonus. Next time.

Monday night I went to my last Men's Bible study for a while. I wish I could keep going, I enjoy and value hanging out with the guys there, but my schedule for this week isn't going to make that very likely. I hope to start going again soon. The really bad new is that Chris and I won't be meeting for the next few weeks either. I am gone this week and he is gone next week, and I am not sure about the week after that. Maybe we'll meet up on Sunday after church one of these weeks.

Tuesday I had a meeting with the teaching pastor of the church, Rick Duncan, about recruiting him an intern for the next year. At least, that was the intention of the meeting. It turned out to be more a lesson of different kinds of ministry leaders than about interns. He compares them to a car designer, a car builder, a mechanic, and a restorer - each one loves cars but in vastly different ways. Pastors are somewhat similar.

Wednesday night Small group with the students was a lot of fun. Since we didn't have impact on the weekend we took advantage of small group time to hangout and have fun. We watch Inception, ate popcorn and pizza and built some common experiences. I think it is very valuable to just have time to hang out with one another and be among friends.

Thursday I had Joe D over to my office to work on the lesson for Epic. He is a great guy, and I am always thankful for his encouraging attitude. He doesn't complain or argue, and is always willing to help. When I told him that I wouldn't be there this week he just smiled and said, "okay" like it is no big deal. No excuses, he is great. This weeks lesson is about encouraging one another in the Lord and how we find encouragement in Christ's return.

Friday night started fall retreat! Also, my sister came in Friday night. Between grabbing Pizza and dropping my sister off at the High School Girl's house, and everything else I totally forgot my toothbrush for the weekend. I choose the Middle School boys house for the night - what a night. Boys crying left and right over toys and who hit who first. I am confident this is the only group that cried. Discussion didn't happen because they were all way to excited to sit still and sleeping nearly didn't happen either. Lights out at 11:30pm - I didn't get to bed until nearly 2am. Farting noises, kids getting drinks of water, and talking in general made sleep elusive.

All this faded as a memory with the coming of breakfast Saturday Morning. Homemade french toast, hash browns, fresh fruit, and orange juice. I was stuffed, but I just kept eating, it was so good. I don't know if I would do it all again, but I would surely eat breakfast again.

We broke from there and ended to the church to regroup before going to the work sites for the day. Other than a few minor things, everything went off without a hitch. The high school went down town and the middle school went into the closer neighbor hoods. We helped those that needed help and got done way faster than I thought we would. The middleschool group played football with our free time, and I took advantage of the time to spend with my sister.

We talked about church back home, and about the family. We talked about life and friends, and just caught up. I love her so much and am so glad that she got to come out and visit even for just a little while.

Saturday night she left to head home and I went and finished my paper for school. I learned that night that I am very grumpy when I am tired, making me a mean boyfriend. I didn't yell or anything, but I wasn't that nice either. I got demanding, controlling, and just grumpy. Rachel, also tired at this point didn't enjoy my mood, but was very gracious towards me and helped with my paper. The next day apologize were in order, and everything is forgiven. I don't enjoy those interactions, but they make for a strong relationship if you can get through them. The trick is to deal with them and don't let them build.

Sunday morning came much faster than I thought it would, and I found myself grasping for time. I haven't had a chance to read my bible in two days as this point - adding to the grumpiness - and didn't find any time through Sunday. church went well in the morning and the rest of the day got spent on preparing for the evening. The student leadership team took over for Impact that night, I watched the youngsters while Rick and Joe facilitated parent equip in the next room over. Three nights in a row dealing with kids... I saw myself grumpier than I normally get and now realize that I need to be sure to get sleep next time I have to do something like this.

Sunday night I talked with Rachel and we figured out the plan for Thanksgiving and a little bit about the next week. I am very excited to see her and be with her face to face. Phone conversations are great, but nothing is quite like a conversation in person. We also started working on a project to figure out what I am supposed to do next - after this internship that is. I think I will post about that later.

Now it is Monday afternoon. I have spent some time reading the Bible, got stuff together for the week at BBC, set up a few interviews for rick, and read some of my homework for the day. It is going to be a great week away and I am excited to see some old friends.

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

Snow

First snow fall! it is beautiful...

Running Away

I good friend of mine ran away from home the other day. He lived to tell me about it.

He ended up going home after about 2 hours. Yet the situation does not come as weird, the emotions behind such drastic measures are familiar to me. I have ran away once or twice. In the same fashion it was only for an hour or so, and then I came back, but I thought about leaving for good. I still think about that today, even when I am away from home, and away from my family. There are events in my life that hurt, people that don't care, and situations that I would rather not deal with. These things in my life that just get under my skin and make me want to leave. I don't know where I would go most of the time, but I think anywhere is better than where I am now. It gets so frustrating that it makes me want to scream! or worse... If not for the Holy Spirit in me, only God knows what I would do. Nothing good I would imagine.

I have to ask the question though, "why shouldn't I run away?" What really is keeping me here? If the situation and people frustrate me so much that I want to scream, why on earth should I have to put up with it? What is the benefit of staying in a harmful situation, a stressful environment, or in a place that no one even loves or cares about me. Seriously, God! why bother? Why do I stick it out? what is the point of putting up with my parents, with people bully me, or supposed "friends" that put me down all the time. I have had days what I don't even think people would have noticed that I left.

Actually, I know they wouldn't notice. I have left for a whole day out in the woods and when I came back no one even knew I left (This only gave me more reason to leave). But something compelled me to come home - again and again I kept coming home. At first it was the simply fact that I couldn't leave because I was too young. But later I heard about Jesus. I might be crazy, but I would come home and face it - usually head on - sometimes every day of the week. An argument before dinner, and a late night fight and don't forget the weekend brawl. I honestly do wonder why we bother? Why don't we just run away from the pain or avoid the situation? But I think the answer is found in asking a slightly different question.

I talk about running away from problems or getting away from a situation, but I am also running to something. In my case I normally am trying to run from tension and run to peace, comfort or something like that. Who isn't trying to do this?

 Jesus is a man that had every reason to run away almost all the time. If you look at His life He didn't have it easy. I am not even talking about the cross. I mean growing up, being around the disciples, and walking through His home town. His own parents forgot Him when He was younger. The people in His home town didn't respect Him or believe Him - including His brothers and friends. Whenever He went into a town it wasn't long before the popular or important people rejected him or threw out his idea. To be blunt about it, Jesus was a reject, very lonely, and put in some tough situations. If there were ever a reason to run away - Jesus had it. He doesn't though.

Instead of running away from problems and pain, He from heave to earth to faced them. He went into the problems and dealt with them. Instead of running away from the family that rejected Him, He loved them. Instead of finding new friends, he stuck it out with the twelve he had - even when they abandon Him He would forgive them. When His parents forgot Him, He stilled listened to them. When man turned on Him and kill Him, He forgives us and promises a way for us to be with Him.

 ⁸ Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead, descended from David. This is my gospel, ⁹ for which I am suffering even to the point of being chained like a criminal. But God’s word is not chained. ¹⁰ Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory.
 ¹¹ Here is a trustworthy saying:
   If we died with him,
   we will also live with him;
¹² if we endure,
   we will also reign with him.
If we disown him,
   he will also disown us;
¹³ if we are faithless,
   he remains faithful,
   for he cannot disown himself. (Paul to Timothy - II Tim 2:8-13)

 This is why I don't run away. If I die trusting and following Jesus I will one day also live with Him. This is why I face the hard situation. Jesus stuck it out and promises that if I endure with Him that I can be with Him. This is why I stick it out. I like Paul endure everything so that others can receive forgiveness and be with Jesus too.  It also says that if we disown Him, He will disown us - that is not a situation that I want to endure. It finally says that He is faithful meaning He cannot go back on his promises. So I choose the promise of dying and enduring with Him and living with Him. He promises forgiveness; what do you choose to do?

Later

Running a Blank

I could write something lengthy about all the wonderful adventures Rachel and I have. I could tell you about countless conversations that made my day. I could even tell you about a surprise that I am planning for her - because she likes surprises. Or I could write all sorts of nonsense about how much I like her, but you have no reason to read that. I could fill quite a few pages about what I think about Rachel, but I will save that for another day. What I will share with you is what takes all those words right out of my mouth and make my mind run blank. Her face.

Rachel and Hannah (respectively)

Blessings from a Pilgrim

Later

Star Tipping

Allow me to give you a little recap on this week. Partially because I have to, but also since there is great value in seeing what God has done even within a weeks time. The events listed may or may not be in chronological order. Monday night Chris and I had our small group, and it was indeed small. Out of the eight that are in the group, only three showed up - Chris and I being two of them. I thought it was wonderful, and Chris said it right, "Gives us a chance to get intimate!" With less people we were able to cover more ground and deal with some deeper issues and encourage each other with stories. Further proving: less = more.

Tuesday after school we had our third round of Epic, the after school program. This was also the first time the teacher wasn't there and it was more "student" led. It is always encouraging to see students seeking to do God's work - community service projects, reaching out to other, etc. This week we talked about Loving one another as Chris has loved us. Joe D and I got together Friday and figured out what to teach on, and both of us are excited about teaching (discussion leading) the "One another" passages. We did "Love one another as Christ has loved you" this Tuesday and I think Encourage is next. I am going to have to meet with Joe at some point before then to make sure he is ready. I taught this last one, this next one is his. He told me yesterday that he is excited about it, and I am too.

Starbucks with Chris was very good. I honestly don't remember much other than that he noticed I took my computer home with me. Something I said I wouldn't do for temptation sake. I am so grateful that he noticed that and would dare to ask me, most would not do that. It is so encouraging to meet with him in the morning and encourage one another with stories from the week and challenge each other with crazy ideas or things we have read. As Iron sharpens iron, so Jeremy and Chris sharpen one another.

Wednesday night we had small group with the students and we played star tipping. At first I did not think it was real, but some doubt trick, then I tried it. It is real. The person starts by spinning around and around for about 30 seconds while looking at a star then they stop and someone shines a light in the face. Every single one of us fell over without fail. It is the weirdest things I have done in a long time. Look it up on google if you want to see what it looks like. It was a good time.

Now it is Thursday and I have to admit, I am very tired. I want to complain about it, but I think it is better look on the positive side of things. Today's assignment for American Lit is a journal by Mary Rowlandson from 1675. As I finished reading I had a much better understand of what the bible means when it says "My strength is made perfect in weakness." Mary is someone who went through much affliction and weakness, but as she records, it only provide more opportunities for God to comfort and provide. It is an encouragement to read about such things.

Tomorrow I am going to try and bang out some homework so I have weekend to enjoy. In light of work and church, my weekend is the shortest part of my week. I also want to see if I can help someone this weekend as he remodels his house. We'll see if I get around to that though.

Fall retreat is next weekend and my sister might be coming out for that. Since my sister cannot drive yet, my dad is going to come out too. I really hope that happens, because it would be very encouraging to see them and for them to get away for awhile too. My dad operates a mean leaf blower, and with leaf pick-up as the service project for the retreat, I would be very grateful for him being there.


Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

Snickers

My dad and sister might be coming out for fall retreat! I am so excited. On top of that I get to see Rachel in two weeks from this Tuesday.

This is like getting a snickers bar on day three of a hike. So good and so refreshing

Later