Expectations

I'll start by being honest. It is not always easy to write and post what I am thinking. I bring to bare my heart, my pain and my past. At times I even risk the lives of others when I post on here. I decided awhile ago that I would write about my life and what God is doing in the midst of it so that others might be able to learn from my mistakes and how God has been gracious to me. I personally don't have much wisdom, if any at all - yet I know that God is greater than my failures and is able to use even my pride to teach others and help them grow. I write to encourage others that they are not alone, that God is still active, and that the Bible contains the words that lead to life - God's words.

With all that said, I have another part of my story that I have to write about. I have debated a while about whether I should even write this one. The idea stuck long enough that I decided to write about it and get it out of my system. I see now all the areas that this particular topic touches, and how important it is for me to flesh it out. It is something that consumes my life and drives my choices and major decisions. It sets the standards that live up to and empowers my motivations - it is expectations.

Growing up as most of those who read my blog know, wasn't exactly normal as most would consider it. Yes, I have parents and other siblings and lived in a house and ate normal food (if not better than normal food - cooked by my dad). I grew up like most kids do or so I thought. The contrasting point that I want to bring to your attention again is this idea of expectations. That is one thing that I had growing up that I... struggle with...? I am not sure exactly how to say it. Part of my is very grateful for the expectations that were set for me growing up, and the other part hates it every day that I am awake.

I don't remember the day it happened, but I remember the idea as plain as yesterday (for those that know me, that isn't a good judge of how good I remember something.). My siblings and I wanted to go play outside one day, and as we started to head outside my mom said that we had to stay close to the house. Other times we went out she would say, "don't draw attention to yourselves" or something to that effect. The idea is that we weren't supposed to be noticed because most children would be in school at that time of day, and we/she didn't want to have to explain why we weren't in school ("Home schooled" for those who want to know now, but more on that another day).

So, I became afraid. I had this fear grow inside of me about what would happen if attention was drawn to myself and if people did ask about my life. I was scared of what would happen if I broke this expectation to stay out of the way - to blend into the world around me and not be seen. It would cause an anxiousness to think about being "found out"

This didn't improve when I went to college for the first time. Duel-enrolled in college at an early age created a lot of questions that I didn't want to deal with. So instead I just blended into whatever environment I found myself in. If college I would act like a college kid, if at home I would act like my family. I would meet the expectations that were set for me in whatever environment I found myself. I got really good at putting on a mask and becoming someone other than myself.

The problem with putting on a mask is that after a while I would forget who I was. I would constantly be living up to other peoples expectations of me rather than living a life that I had waiting for me. I would put on a mask rather than be real. I would soon perceive myself through other peoples eyes, and chain myself to the realities that they saw in me. My success and acceptance would be based on their perception of me; I would rise or fall at their word. I hear this is what high school can be like at times.

I could claim servant, because I would be exactly what everyone needed me to be. I would mold myself into... whatever they needed because I perceived their expectation. I could claim that, but I would rather say slave. Slave to how others perceive me and to the expectations that they had... or I thought they had for me. It got so bad that I would imagine what others might be thinking of me and create false expectations for myself based on what I think someone thought about me. And this is how I lived my life and perceived the world around me - enslaved to false realities and false expectations.

Most recently I have seen it play out in the internship that I am currently serving at. I came understanding one set of expectations, but those did not last. I came in thinking that I would be working hard and would be challenged to grow in my skills as a youth pastor, but that is not what I saw. I think I had higher expectations for the internship then they did. Don't get me wrong, I have been challenge in ways I did not even imagine and have grown in areas of my life that I did not even know I had. I, however, cannot overlook the reality that I think I expected more from the internship at first then they did (or at least that is how I perceive it). There are many other factors that contribute to my perspective though, so I could be wrong about what expectations that had/have for me.

I wrote about this one early on in a post titled Learning to teach, but the expectation contributed even to how I communicated. I would watch how other taught at the church or ask lots of questions to see what others have done, so that I could create expectations to meet. As I said, expectations enslave me. When it came to teaching, I spent more time trying to understand people's expectations (whether they were real or not) than I spent getting ready to teach. I have to say, it got to be very frustrating and tiring.

It got so tiring that I decide to stop. I didn't try and meet another persons expectation or standard. I believe that God created me unique with my own abilities that are different than anyone else. So I did. I just did my own thing and nothing really happened. People didn't get mad at me for failing to be like them. I didn't suffer punishment for trying to be myself. I actually did much better and enjoyed myself while doing it.

It was then I realized God did not want me to strive to meet other's expectations. He wants me to be free and to have a full life. He doesn't desire for me to live in bondage to the expectations of the world around me, but wants to free me to live a life full of joy. And I'll admit, I kind of want that too. Freedom, Joy and a Full Life sound much better than living for other peoples expectations and being enslaved to what people think of me and who I am.

  " The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." ~Jesus to anyone who is interested (John 10:10).

 The reality that I am coming to realize is that God created me unique and different than everyone else. I have abilities and gifts that other people don't have. God created me to be me, not someone else. If I spend my days living in the expectation that I need to be someone else, than I am saying to God that He didn't make me right. On a more selfish note, I am throwing away that joy that I could have by living as God intended for me to live.

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

Take the Next Step

I honestly felt like I had a productive day today. I started out with reading my bible and then I had a good solid breakfast before heading out the door for work. I checked my emails at work and printed out directions for a job interview. Hopefully it is the first of many.

The Job interview is for an organization called Youth for Christ. It was started during the Billy Graham movements and has only gotten better since. They work with churches and school to funnel students into youth groups and introduce them to Christ. Overall a very good program and something that is being used to build the Kingdom.

The interview went very well. I think it is the first interview that I felt comfortable during - I honestly did not worry about how I presented myself, but was more concerned about being myself and my desire to be in ministry. After the interview I got to look around the building and hear some more stories about what they do. It is hard to say for sure if that is what I am cut-out to do. They have a great vision and heart for students, but I am not sure if that is the setting I would find myself in.

I realized something after leaving and talking with Rick about it for a while. They have a desire to function as a stream for students to flow into churches, and I greatly desire to be a pond where students can learn and grow. I think I would have a hard time trying move students into youth groups out of my care. Coming from my back ground and family situation, I have a desire to care for students and help them get through life. As much as getting students into a caring community, I would personally have a hard time with it. To use biblical terms, I want to be a shepherd over a group of students and not a evangelist who just gets students into the youth groups.

Once I got done talking about the interview the team met up to look over this week's schedule which also went well. Communication and delegation of task seemed much smoother than usual. I ate lunch, made a flier for an event and then helped brainstorm for summer camp. And I have to say... Summer camp this year is going to be awesome!!! I really hope that I can make it, and if I can't I really hope I have a good excuse - like a job.

Drove hope and listened to the local weather warnings and wind advisories. The weather channel says that I should have stayed inside and stayed away from windows, but I merely took that as a challenge that I should go for a run. So I did. Very good run too, I had to run against the wind (sometimes gust up to 35mph).

Now I just finished eating my Peanut Butter sandwich and am sitting at my computer working on wedding stuff and various job search related task. I most say, the peanut butter sandwich is the best part of this paragraph.

Because you asked, I will tell you. Wedding planning is going very well. It is hard because Rachel is in school and I still don't have a job, making everything dependent on those variables. Granted we are still able to pick a date and location, but anything beyond that is difficult without knowing what comes next. It is like I am... er... we are jumping off a ledge having faith that something will catch us. When I think about it I scare myself because I just don't know. I found some encouragement this weekend in regards to this though.

I am not even going to try and repeat anything that was said in church because I know I will mess it up. What I will say is what I remember and more importantly what I learned. That is, "take the next step." It is simple and freeing. The idea is that God has plotted the course, it is simply our job to run it - and so when I go though life we my course already plotted the only thing I have to do is take the next step. Right now that means I apply for jobs and work a tangible wedding plan. As different stages in life get closer I will have to take those steps, but right now I have to take the next step. I need to have a plan, but I don't have to complete it all at once, I just have to take the next step.

Rachel started class yesterday. It is still very strange for me not to be at school this time of year. Not having classes or homework, just going to work each day. I don't miss school, but I do miss people at school - or people in general. More importantly in this day in history: Today marks three years since I first sat in class with Rachel during BBL and started to become even more attracted to her. It has only gone down hill from there. She is now distressingly attractive (Her character and personality being the most attractive part about her) and I can hardly wait to see her again. And on this I will end

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

Third try is the charm!

Okay, this isn't really a life update or anything. This is just something I did and thought I would share. I taught middle school this weekend and this is the 'outline' that I used. Granted, I didn't really follow it all the time, but it is the same general idea. It is also the third attempt at writing out my talk.

Later
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Hey Everyone welcome to impact. We are glad you are very glad that each of you are here. If you weren't here last week we started a new series called Acts of the apostles where we are looking through the life of Paul on his missionary journey according to the book of Acts. Specifically we are looking at what Paul and the early Christians had to face as new believer in Christ and the different kinds of persecution they dealt with. We are doing this by looking at the different books of the bible that Paul wrote while he was imprisoned in Rome and the different persecution that the this letters wrote about.

Last week Rick talked about the book of Philippians. Who can tell me what Rick's talk was about? He had two words that he used? The people at philippi had two options that they would be able to choose from - they could be considered a legal roman citizen, have all kinds of wonderful things (like the 4 wheeler), not pay any taxes and live a wonderful life here on earth. The only condition is that they would have to say that Nero is lord and savior - kurios and sotair. Option two is that they claim Jesus as their Lord and savior, they deny Nero and  lose all the rights that they had as a Roman citizen. On top of that, they would be killed for believing in Jesus. They had to decide who they would call kurios and sotair - their lord and savior. Nero and have a wonderful life here on earth, or Jesus and have eternal life with him forever in heaven? That was the choices.

This week we are going to look at another one of Paul's letters to the early church. This letter is written to the city of Colossae - the book of Colossians. Even though the book of philippians and the book of colossians were writen roughly the same time, they are completely different kinds of books. They were completely different kinds of cities. Philippi was on a main trade route leading to Rome. Colossae was almost a no name city. When Paul came through the area he didn't even stop in this city because it was small and out of the way. This is a small town!

Now you may be asking - of Colossae is a small town away from Rome, what kind of persecution did they face? What was the early church in Colossae dealing with that the Apostle Paul would write them a letter to encourage or correct them. No one was being killed for believing in Jesus, they weren't having their rights taken away, but they did face a very real situation. They were facing a persecution of a very different kind, but a much more deadly kinds. A spiritual persecution where what they believe was under attack.

False teachers of some kinds were making their way into Colossae and into the churches. They were teaching lies and things other than what the bible taught. This teaching founds its way into the church and the believers began to question what is really true.

Some of the false teaching was about Jesus and others might have been about what it means to be saved. They taught something like - if you want to be holy then you can't have hamburgers. Or, if you want to be holy, there is a whole bunch of rules that we made up for you to follow. If you want to be saved then you have to follow all our teachings. Jesus wasn't really god, and sin really isn't bad. And they would teach things like this, and confuse people about what the bible really teaches and about who God really is.

Looking at all that they face, the people at Colossians really had two questions that they had to answer: Who is Jesus? and, How am I saved? They had so many other things that they faced, but the two most important ones were these two questions: Who is Jesus? and, How am I saved?

Paul heard that the people at Colossae had these questions and that is why he wrote this letter to them. He writes and answers these questions about Jesus and salvation. And thankfully for us, we have the bible and the letter's that Paul wrote. So, turn with me to the book of Colossians, chapter one.

¹⁵ The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. ¹⁶ For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. ¹⁷ He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. ¹⁸ And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. ¹⁹ For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him,²⁰ and through him to 9 reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

This is Paul's response to the persecution and false teaching that the new believers faced. There is a lot here, but remember, we are only after two things. Who is Jesus and how am I saved? Both of the answers are in this little section of the bible. But before I tell you what they are, I want to see if you can find the answers yourself. I think it is important for you to be able to read the bible yourself and find God's answer to these kinds of questions. So spend 5 minutes and and see if you can find the answer to these questions. Who is Jesus and How am I saved?

Alright. what did you find? Let's start with who is Jesus according to these verses?

• Imagine of the invisible God
• Creator of all things
• Ruler of all things
• Holds all things together
• LORD.

You blend all of these answers together and take the big idea that Paul is trying to get at. Jesus is Lord! He is Lord over all things. The last word in verse 18 "supremacy" Other bibles might say "preeminence" or first in all things. All that means is that he is Lord over everything and everything submits to Him.

Just like Rick talked about last week. When we die, whether we followed Jesus or not we will allow bow our knee to him and call him Lord.

What about the second question: How am I saved?

• Reconcile all things to himself
• Shed blood on the cross
• Jesus is Savior.

Paul explains exactly how a person is saved in these verse. Jesus died on the cross and shed his blood for us so that we could have peace with God. What this is basically saying is that Jesus is Savior! Jesus is the one that saves us. no one or nothing else. So the answer to the question, How am I saved is through Jesus Christ our savior.

What are the two answers again... Jesus is Lord and we are saved through the shed blood of Jesus our Savior. Don't these sounds familiar? What did we learn about in Philippians again - That Jesus is our Lord and Savior? The same thing is true in Colossians: Jesus is Lord and Savior! This is just an educated guess, but I bet if we read through the whole bible we are going to find that Jesus is both Lord and Savior.

But this is something important to note: both the church at Philippi and the church at Colossae were being challenged in their faith about who is their Lord and Savior. And as we keep reading about the story of Paul and the early church we'll see that is always the case. Christians are always being persecuted for what they believe about Jesus as Lord and Savior. It might be physical or spiritual, but there is always something.

Now I want to challenge you. I want to ask you these questions, the questions that the Church at Colossae were asking. Who is Jesus? How are you saved? Is Jesus your Lord and your Savior? Are you going to live your rich roman life here on earth or are you going to claim Jesus as Lord and have eternal life?

These are the question we need to ask ourselves, even I need to ask myself these questions. If I am not calling Jesus Lord, who am I? and if I am not trusting Jesus to be my Savior, who is? These are the two questions we started with, and they will be the two questions that we'll end with. Who is Jesus to you? and how are you saved?

Let's pray!

A Knight And His Lady

Time for another Story....

Once upon a time there was a young and noble knight by the name of Jeremy...

Yet, before our story begins we find Jeremy on the streets among the filth of the world, the poor and desperate of society. He spent much of his younger years, before becoming a knight, looking for pleasure and getting into trouble with any of his spare time. If you ever met this kid during these days you would never imagine him to be a knight or anyone of nobility. As depraved and vile as he is, it is a wonder even still that Someone would have rescued him from the mess that he was in.

The King is gracious, everyone knew that, but no one expected Him to rescue this ungrateful serf from the death that awaited him. There is no reason why the King paid for Jeremy's pardon other than to show more fully the capabilities of His own grace and mercy to the worst of people.

A trickster, liar, thief, a boy who would play with the hearts of young women for his own pleasure - convincing even himself that it was love to lessen the pain of his guilt. Being fully aware of the consequences he continued in his debauchery and lusted after the pleasures of the world. Worst of all he was a hypocrite! Claiming to be good when evil was the only thing on his mind. This continued until the high of his pleasures was out-weighed by guilt of his sins and he found himself left for dead. He tried to lift the weight of the guilt, but he was paralyzed by his own shame. He fought until he came to a point of desperation and realized that he needed Someone else to save him. He called for the King - his Father.

For a long time he rejected his Father's help, yet he could no long deny his need for Him. The King was the only one strong enough to lift the weight of guilt that Jeremy found himself under. And so, as much as he resisted - he cried out all the more of his salvation. He cried out to the point that he would willingly die if for only a moment relief from the burden that demanded his life. "Father, I give You my life if You would be gracious enough to save me" the young lad cry out in exhaustion. Once Jeremy stopped fighting for life he was met with the overwhelming grace of the King. He could not speak.

Shortly after his rescue the King not only forgave His unworthy son, but also dubbed him a knight of nobility. Thus our knight gained an inheritance in the Kingdom of Grace. We find our knight once again speechless.

Though the King said nothing more, and demanded nothing of the knight at the moment, Jeremy knew that his life would have to change. He went immediately to those people and things he once thought he loved and cast them aside for the purpose of what would await him. Leaving everything: his earthly father and mother, his relationships, his brothers and sisters--yes, even his own way of life for the sake of the King (Luke 14:6). The once unworthy boy became a knight of nobility at a word – “forgiven”

Jeremy, out of gratitude wanted to live a new life that would please and honor the King. He left for knight training only months after his rescue to better serve his gracious King. He would do well on all of his tests and would study strategies to become a better knight. He continued with militant focus on all of his studies until he caught sight of a fair maiden. She was of surpassing beauty and strength, a combination not found in many kingdoms. Needless to say, our growing young knight became distracted.

The temptation to steal her heart crossed Jeremy's mind not even once. His days of thievery were over! Not seeing himself worthy of such a maiden, he instead purposed to protect the heart of the young girl even if it meant that she never knew his name. He would be a simple peasant to her. He would not impose, admit, or even hint at his affections for the girl because he did not want to hurt her. He would only protect for the sake of her heart - even at the cost of his own. At times other older knights would be taken to the fair Rachel, but Jeremy would only hope that they would honor and protect her. That is until an ungrateful knight mistreated her. He would not stand for that.

Disregarding his own age and worth, Jeremy sought the well-being of the beautiful maiden and would rescue her from the peril that ensued her. He sought to win her heart - not for himself, but so that he might best protect it from harm.

More than a passing romance, Rachel and Jeremy became friends. She was training to be musician, and him a knight, yet they became the best of companions. Both being at the training school, the two of them saw each other often. Jeremy, still not imposing his affections so as not to "arouse or awaken love until it so desires" (Song of Solomon 8:4), but wanted to guard her heart for the man that she would marry (First Thessalonians 4:3-6) - even if it was him. It was his job as a knight to protect her and keep her until she would give herself away to a man worthy to take her hand.

There came a day when Jeremy could stand it no longer, he would tell the fair Rachel his affections and ask for her heart in courtship - a relationship of purity for the purpose of marriage. As he consider the weight of his request, he realized there was no other to fill such a role. Rachel is Jeremy's best friend and he is her's, they are a team. Considering the situation that he would soon face, it wasn't that he wanted to be with her as much as that he couldn't imagine being without her.

 He posed his request and she cheerfully accepted and the two began to share their hearts with one another all the while keeping themselves for the one that they would marry (Even knowing it might be one another). Having hurt and been hurt, Jeremy would not share his true affections - both verbal and physical - until the day of marriage.

"Long ago there was a Great and Noble Knight - the King's first, only and best. He is the one who saved His Bride and slayed the great dragon of death..." Such stories never meant anything to Jeremy; now they are his dream to reflect. As the story goes, the Great Knight rescued his bride and kept her "in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless" (Ephesians 5:27) so that He might present her to Himself in complete purity at the marriage feast.

Now we meet our knight, Jeremy, at the end of his training, readying himself to battle the evil of the world. Taking the last of his leave, he visits the fair maiden Rachel as is his tradition that time of year. Though before journeying to her house he takes all that he has to buy a single ring. (White to symbolize sincerity, the blue as a symbol of purity and commitment, and the two clear diamonds to foretell the two of them venturing into the unknown together forever.) Jeremy intends to ask for her hand in marriage!

After asking her father's permission and getting his own father's blessing as well, Jeremy went on what most modern civilians call a "date" with the fair and beautiful Rachel. They left before daybreak for the near mountains in time to watch the sunrise above the horizon. They arrived just as the sun crest over the plains...

While shaking in his armor because of nervousness and the sun to his back, Jeremy pulled a little wooden heart to show that he would give his heart for hers. After she received his heart he continued by pulling out the single ring - a symbol of his affection for her - and got down on one knee. His speech broken yet definite, he said simply "Rachel, would you join me in a lifelong pursuit of God in marriage" to which she humbly joined him on her knees and hugged him saying, "Sure, I would love to."

Now the noble knight, Jeremy, and his fair lady, Rachel, are to be wed! The excitement overwhelms them, yet they are committed to save themselves for marriage later this very year. It is still their joy and greatest honor to serve the King who rescued them, and soon they will begin their adventure together as a knight and his lady.

A (mostly) true story from a pilgrim

Later

If you want to read how I really asked her and pictures of the ring, go to: Merry Christmas - updated

Vision casting

As much as I didn't want to I got up to go run this morning. Nothing spectacular, but it was a good run regardless. During my time running and biking are some of my best thoughts. I have nothing else to besides look at the road and remember to keep breathing, so it provides for some good thinking and reflection. I will share with you the one that I had this morning.

The thought is: I will only go as far as I cast my vision

Before I even started running I had to decide how far I would go and what route I would take. It was then that I realized that I would go as far as I planned to go - and not much further. If I planned to run 1.5 miles, that would be all the further I would go. If I planned to fun 3 miles. I would run 3 miles... Granted, for some people it is different and they can just keep running. But for me, I need to set a vision for myself instead of just going till I get tried (which isn't very far). That is what I did, I set out to run around the neighborhood and then ran around the neighborhood. This all seems rather simple, but the real importance of this find is in the spiritual aspect.

As I look at my own spiritual growth and spirituality in general, I notice that I approach it the same way I approached running. I will only push myself until I get tired or found something else to do, and with this weak flesh it isn't long before I give in. So, much like running this morning, I need to cast a vision that exceeds my ability and then chase after it in the power of the Holy Spirit. If I continue to set my goals only as far as I am able I will not grow or be challenged.

That is about as far as the thought got.

Blessings
Later

Starting off right

Yesterday turned out to be a much better day than I thought it would be. I sleep in until I got motivated enough to get up around 9am (I know, that is still really early for some people) and then got some reading and writing done for the day. Ate a hardy breakfast and make some lunch too before heading out the door to church for the rest of the day. I had some things to catch up on and I wanted to see if Rachel's flight made it out safely with all the snow that they were getting (the latter being the more important reason of the two), so I went to church a few hours early. During Rachel's flight time I called people that I hadn't talked to in a while. Once Rachel landed safely and I got a phone call to confirm I went into church service.

I have been working here for 7+ months now but I still feel slightly out of place when I walk through the doors to find a seat. There is nothing quite like home I guess, and the feeling just encourages the idea. Yet I know that God has called me to be content to serve where I am and find a sense of home wherever I go. So I work hard to learn and grow wherever I am and be a blessing to people wherever I go.

Last night I found myself being the one that was blessed. I met up with Chris (who I meet at Starbucks) and got to talking about the previous week that we didn't meet up. We both had a lot on our minds with the different events that unfolded in our lives and really benefited from the conversation. Even more than the conversation, both of us felt that God had planned the events at church and in our lives to occur as they did. With the new series at church about "Discerning God's Will", Chris and I just laughed at the irony of the whole thing. The topic is a perfect fit with the major decisions that he and I will be making over the next six months to a year and the ever changing reality of a relationship.

The night got a whole lot better when Matt sat down with us. At first I just wanted to catch up with Chris and I didn't want to be bother with all the new details of another persons life, but that quickly changed as Matt merged with our conversation. Turns out that Matt is also in the same boat as us with major decisions coming up and starting a new relationship with a girl. We all had value to each other and could be a recourse to one another over the new few months or even (hopefully) a life time. I had been a relationship a while where the others have not (so I could tell them all the mistakes that I have made), Matt is a long time graduate whereas I just graduated a few weeks ago, and Chris has been in the work force a whole year now and neither Matt nor I have done that yet.





So taking a step back I realize the great benefit that we could and hopefully would be to each other. I thought having Chris around me was a good idea, but having two people to watch my tell only seemed that much better. "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." --Ecclesiastes 4:12. Chris and I invited Matt to Starbucks to which he accepted and I was glad.

With the first of the year behind us now I feel like I might have started out the year right. I have an awesome group of guys in the works, I joined a Bible study: "Disciplines for a godly man" and we got a snow storm. I pray that the year would continue to improve as the months progress and that I would find my direction and satisfaction in Christ. If hardship comes I hope to learn from them, and if blessings come I hope to share them.

Blessings from a pilgrim
Later

Happy New Year!

2012 is here and the so is the world. Happy new years folks!